Having a Tough Day

My aunt coded last night. I can't get that thought out of my head. I can't get the thought that we almost lost her last night. If she hadn't had issues with nausea and a headache, she would have been discharged home on Friday. But, she did, so they kept her 1 more night. That 1 more night led to an undiagnosed temporary slowing of her heart. Thank God the doctor's decided to be cautious and keep in her for observation, just one more night. If all that hadn't happened, she would have been sent home and would have died in her sleep.

She woke up in the middle of CPR. They ran tests and diagnosed her with Prolonged Q-T syndrome. For my medical friends out here, you know how scary that is. That she survived into her 60's with that diagnosis. Neurologically she's fine, she is going to get an AICD (pacemaker/defib) tomorrow.

I can't stop crying and thinking what if? What if I had lost my aunt just as we were getting close?

I'm having a tough day, because all I want to do is reach for my comfort foods. But, I don't want to fall back on old habits that got me this fat. Comfort foods won't make this fear go away, and will only lead to getting fatter. So I am trying to find another coping mechanism. I really wish i liked exercise or something physical, but I don't. So I turned to the computer. I turned to my on-line blog and venting my feelings and frustrations over life. Life is going to get hard, I can't always turn to food. I turn to food when I am sad, when I am angry, bored. I celebrate accomplishments with food. Oh, you made it through the grocery store and kept to your shopping list, congrats - you deserve a tasty treat.

You know, if this crappy relationship with food really sucks. If this was a relationship with another human being, I'd just kick the SOB out of my life, but you can't really do that with food, now can you?

The desire for a huge bowl of ice cream just passed. I might make myself a 1 point smoothie instead.