Weight Loss and Clinical Depression

The weather was bad on Thursday and Kourtney cancelled the meeting. Since Thursday is the only day that I can make the meetings, I didn't get to weigh in this week. But that is okay. I don't really want to see the damage I have done to myself.  I am admitting here and now to eating almost a box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie Cookies (5 points each) over the span of 2 days. That was on top of all the other food I shoved down my gullet. I did my best to track but I so lacked any motivation and frankly felt out of control.

I felt crappy and had no motivation to eat healthy or stay on plan. I was always hungry, but nothing I ate made me feel satisfied, actually it made me feel worse because of the guilt of what I had eaten. But that guilt wasn't enough to stop me from putting more stuff down my gullet.

My last post was about PMS and not feeling like I had any control over what I put into my mouth. Since I last blogged I have had an epiphany. The downward spiral may have started with PMS, but it continued and got worse because I forgot to take my anti-depressants for probably 4 days (maybe 5). You see, I have been depressed my entire life. I was in my mid 20's before I got on anti-depressants.I liken it to living in a gray world. Being on Well-Butrin turned the world into brilliant technicolor.  I did okay off of them while pregnant and breast-feeding, but I've been a happier, more stable individual on them. This past week I got out of my normal routine and simply forgot. When I would remember something would always come up and I would forget again. Plus the kids gave me their colds and I was on cold medicine. I thought the lack of energy was part of the cold and cold medicine. But, I couldn't figure out why I had no motivation and an absolute lack of control. Thus, the epiphany, on Thursday morning I finally remembered to take my meds. And, by Friday, I finally started to feel a little bit better. I was more able to stay on plan. My motivation improving and I was able to control my urges to eat. Saturday and Sunday got even better.

So, here it is Monday night. I've been able to have at least a few daily points left over since Friday. I actually worked out today and felt halfway decent. Tonight, before class, I fixed a healthy dinner for myself. When I got home, I was hungry and I chose 3 point popcorn.

Here's hoping that I can undue the damage of last week (somehow I don't think so, I stepped on my home scale and it wasn't good at all. It looks like a 3-4 pound gain in a week). But, I am feeling better and that is what is important. Here is hoping that I keep up with this positive attitude.

All I know is I don't want to feel that way again, so I will take my meds and keep on keeping on.

PMS

Okay, so self control hasn't been exactly the best these past few days. PMS has hit yet again, and I cannot seem to control the fact that I want to eat and nothing seems to feed that hunger. I have gone way over on points every day, so I do not get my treat on Friday.

On a good note though, I have worked out 3 - THREE - times this week already. Leslie Sansone really does give me a good workout. I actually get out of breath and sweat. The only problem is my arms are really sore because I did some 5 pound weights with aerobics 2 days ago.

I am hoping this PMS crap stops soon, because today is just as bad as it has been. I am constantly hungry and want the worse things and have no control.

Motivation part deux

Motivation has found me. I am not saying that I have been perfect this week. I have definitely gone over my 5 points weekly allowance per day self-imposed rule. But, I have also worked out twice this week and feel somewhat decent.

Leslie Sansone has a great gimmick with her "walking" DVD's. It is basically low-impact aerobics, but it is easy enough for this fat lump of a body to follow and get 7 activity points per 47 minute session. Is it too soon to say, after 3 sessions that I feel an improvement? I feel like I can go further and work harder the more I do it.

Is this transitioning into weight loss, I don't know. I hope so. I ran into a co-worker at a babyshower (I didn't do so hot staying away from the mini-cupcakes) but she said I looked awesome and could really tell I'd been losing weight. It felt nice and motivating. This is also a lady that speaks her mind to a fault, so I know she wasn't blowing smoke.

So, I have 1 more day of working out to meet my goal of 3 times this week. But, I don't get my ho-ho, because I have gone over my self-imposed limit. Maybe next week.

Motivation

Motivation this last week really escaped me. I haven't tracked in 3 days, just sort of gave up, especially since both kids have been sick the past 3 days. I seem to keep up on my motivation when I have a decent night's sleep, which doesn't happen when you have a puking, feverish 2 1/2 y/o.

I weighed in this morning and was very surprised that I lost 0.2 pounds. I am pretty amazed by that, and can't really figure how that happened. I'll take it.

I was able to speak with Kourtney this morning about keeping motivation. She recommended to set a goal and a reward and deny myself the reward until I reach my goal. I was thinking about well, I have to lose 5 pounds to have X reward. I didn't thnki that would really help all that much. I think it will be more motivating for me to reward myself when I have NSVs like working out 3 times a week for 2 weeks, or staying under daily points for 3 days in a row.

So, what to reward myself with and it shouldn't be food. Even though a food reward would be soooooooo motivating. So, I am going to say that even though it is not healthy to reward myself with food, I am going to do it anyway.

My goal - exercise 3 times before next weigh in on Thursday AND don't use more than 5 weekly points in any one day. If I do that, next Friday - I can reward myself with 1 4 point Ho-Ho.

I am going to go exercise.

Anchors A-weigh!

Okay, so the title is a pun. I thought it was clever.

So, the other night in the meeting we talked about anchors. Anchors are those things you use to help you keep on track and on plan, to stay motivated. One lady in the meeting said she used a picture of her father's diabetic, ulcerated foot to keep her motivated because she didn't want to have an amputation. If I weren't a paramedic, I'd probably be like a few people around me that said, "EWWWWW"

Then, I got to thinking. I did have my own anchors, but I hadn't been using them. Here are my anchors.
1. "Do you want to eat that or do you want to be skinny?"
2. My 10% keychain, my Stay-and-Succeed Charm and my 25 pound medallion hanging in my kitchen on a hook.
3. That picture of me I posted a while back, when I was at my absolute heaviest and I looked like the Sta-Puff marshmallow person which is now on my phone.

I wish I could say that they worked all the time, but they help at least part of the time.

So, what are your anchors?

Back on Plan

Wooo Hooo, I lost 3.4 pounds this week!!!!!

I went into todays meeting with this thought, "It's not if but how much weight I lost this week!"

I was so good this week, I stayed on plan, I worked out 2 times like I said I was going to, and I resisted temptations. I used my mantra, my anchors, whatever you want to call them.

Do I want to eat that or do I want to be skinny? Skinny won and I am 2.8 pounds away from my wedding weight. I am 0.4 pounds away from another 5 pound star, so my total lost is 34.6. And I am feeling it.

I was in class the other night and was walking into one of the buildings and I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection in the glass. I couldn't believe what I saw, COLLARBONES!!!!!! I saw collarbones in the light. I saw my long neck (I will forever have a waddle, genetics suck.) But I actually felt pretty.

We went to the beach today. I didn't really want to go, since I woke up with a nightmare that left me in a REALLY bad mood. But, I went, and I ended up running around with my kids on the beach while John played caveman and started a camp fire. I literally ran! Me, the woman who feels like a huge cow when she runs, ran after her kids today, playing catch and tag and racing.

So, if you couldn't tell by the tone, I am back on plan. I input my weight tonight and lost another daily point, oh, well, just means I am getting closer to my ultimate goal. I feel better (could that be the endorphins from actually working out? I don't know, but I am going to wake up with John tomorrow and work out and see.)

Here's to a successful week and I'll post and let you know how things are going.

PS - Thalassa - can't wait to see you and catch up, welcome back!!
Bernie - you can do it girl!! I promise, 2 more workouts this week
Sandy - we'll do our best not to touch our uh-oh/weekly points, if I do, I promise I'll earn enough activity points in that same day to cover them all.
Kourtney - thanks for being an awesome leader, thanks for the encouragement tonight, it really helped

Superbowl Sunday on Plan

Today was the SuperBowl. I really didn't care who won, I was just hoping to be able to watch it without the kids crying and whining for Mythbusters or Umi Zoomi. I was able to watch the whole thing and it sorta sucked. But, this blog isn't about the game, it's about the game-day food. Did you know that, on Superbowl Sunday, American's consume the second-most calories in one day, with Thanksgiving being the first?

Well, being an American, I wanted to celebrate football, because it is my favorite sport to watch. I could've gone all out, but I didn't. I could've made a vegetable tray, but that didn't seem like the spirit to me. So, I made roasted garlic! It is 1 point per serving, and I ate it with 2 point crackers and 1 point Neufchatel cream cheese. (And since I roasted it with olive oil, I get 1 serving of my healthy oils in!) YUMMY! I also celebrated with 2 Bud Select 55 (1 point for 2!). I ended the day in a draw, not over, not under. If I hadn't been tracking so hard I definitely would have gone over. But, I knew today would be tough, so I really, really watched it.

And, it's not like it has been a particularly easy day either. We are in the middle of breaking the kids of their grazing-snacking eating habits, of chocolate milk sippy in bed at bedtime (Jack) and milk bottle in bed at bedtime (Julie). It has not been easy and we are only day 2 into it. Jack was a pain last night and tonight, Julie was an unholy terror. It is all about consistency and not bending to their begging, pleading, cajoling and somewhat logical arguments. Jack is really stretching what "before bedtime" means. But, if they are to have healthy eating habits, they have to learn that they can't graze throughout the day. We actually ate 3 real meals today with no snacks. I know that you are supposed to eat light snacks, but the kids don't seem to eat the meals if we give them a snack in between. Plus, I was reading on the USDA's sample daycare menus that we have been over-portioning the food we give them. For example, a snack could be 1/2 oz cheese and 1/2 cup fruit. For snack, we've probably doubled or tripled that, no wonder they weren't eating lunch or dinner.

Bedtime was awful, Julie had to be sung to while being rocked (I haven't rocked her in months, because she usually won't sit still long enough) in order for her to finally succumb to the tiredness which was making her a complete terror. Boy, she has attitude! Well, by the time I got Julie down, all I wanted was something full of alcohol (Bacardi 151 anyone?) or super sweet (we have chocolate cake and cupcakes in the house). But, I have, as of this blogging, been able to control myself, so far.

Part of the trouble is yesterday was a worse day than today, and my friend and neighbor Stephanie brought over Bud Light Lime last night. It really helped to talk to her and Dar about things while drinking 2 beers (truly, it was only 2 beers), because those suckers cost me 8 points!! I was way over yesterday, more so than I wanted to be this week, since I am really, really, really trying to stay on-plan and not use my uh-oh points.

So, as I sit here in a quiet house with 2 kids sleeping, I am oh, so tempted, but, I am thinking to myself (which has been my mantra lately)

"DO I WANT TO EAT THAT OR DO I WANT TO BE SKINNY?"

And for tonight, skinny wins.

Good night and sweet dreams.

Another gain

Well, the last 3 days weren't enough to undo the damage of the last 10 days. I gained again, and this time it was big. I gained 1.2 pounds. I know it doesn't seem like much, but considering how hard it is to lose weight and how quickly it comes back on, you can see why I am pretty down.

I don't like this feeling. I don't like being unsuccessful at losing weight. Logically and in my brain I know it is a normal part of weight loss, that I must take the consequences of my unwise choices, etc, etc, etc.....But it still feels really bad when I screw up and set myself back. All that hard work, now I have to re-lose the 2.2 pounds I've gained over the last month. And it just doesn't come off that easily. Emotionally, I am pretty down on myself. I wish I could go back to the first few weeks when I was down because I only lost 0.6 pounds or a pound and kick myself in the butt. I would give anything to have those numbers, instead of the gains I've had the previous two weeks.

You know how looking back on things it seems like it was easier. Well, that is the way weight loss is. When I first started the program it seemed like the weight just fell off. I also had goals to work towards, the second meeting, the first 5 pounds, 5% and 10%, goals and the 16 week Stay and Succeed charm. Now, it doesn't seem like I have an external small goal to work towards. I mean I can still get the 5 pound stickers, and the 50 pound medallion, but those seem so far away.

I am only 1/3 the way through my weight loss journey. I still have almost 60 lbs still to go. It just seems like I am on the huge uphill battle and I am doubting whether if I can keep on keeping on.

So, I can't think about the 60 lbs or the huge hurdles still in front of me. My goal for this week is to measure all my food (I actually bought the over-priced pre-portioned measuring utensils from WW), track faithfully and truthfully and to exercise at least twice this week.

I truly don't know if I would have stayed for the entire meeting, if it hadn't been for my WW buddy and friend Bernie. Thanks for being there and being my support! I also need to be more accountable, so I promised Bernie I would exercise at least 2 times this week, before the next weigh in.

Well, I think I will blog again in the morning, I've got a lot of random weight loss thoughts running through my head, but I am so tired to put them in order.

Maybe I'm back on track

I think I am back on track.

I have been on plan and staying below points for 3 whole days. And, this morning, I actually woke up early (not on purpose, I just couldn't get back to sleep) and decided to work out. I did 2 Leslie Sansone's DVDs. The 4 mile Fast Workout (47 minutes) and Fast Tone (27 minutes).

I stepped on the scale this morning and I don't feel too good about what it says. Even accounting for the 2 pound over-weigh that the scale typically has, it still says I am 2 pounds heavier than last week. I didn't think I ate that badly, and for the last 3 days I have been drinking all my water, so it shouldn't be water weight.

Oh, well, I have another 30 hours or so until the next weigh-in. I don't like it, but if I gain, I gain, if I lose, I'll celebrate in a non-food way.