Okay, what's up with my head?
I am within 5 pounds of the lowest since I weighed at WW. I fit back into the clothes that I got into a few times, before I gained the weight back. So, why am I not as happy as I was when I first lost the weight?
It seems like I've forgotten, emotionally, how big I was and how much I have succeeded. Now, I feel fat and lumpy again, but this time I am 35 pounds lighter than I was when I fat and lumpy before.
I wonder what is going on in my head? Did I get used to my current weight and body so that now my natural-born dislike for it reared its ugly head? If I lose 35 more pounds (which will put me very near goal), and maintain, will I still feel fat and lumpy?
You know what, let's lose the weight and find out!!!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
My First XC5k
On Sunday, I ran my first 5k. When I signed up for it, I didn't realize it was a cross-country 5k. My feeble little mind just thought it would be a few hills, and maybe a trail or two. Nope. It was up and down and all-around. There was even a mud pit that was so deep, I lost my shoe, twice.
Even for all the trouble, I still managed to jog the entire thing. Well, except for where it was too slippery, treacherous, etc. I didn't come in dead last, just 3rd from last. The last 3 of us jogged in together. But, I accomplished what I set out to do. I jogged the whole thing and I finished. I just checked my scores and I ran a 16:41 mile. Now, those of you who think that is pretty slow, it is. But, for me, it is pretty darn good and I am proud of that. Considering when I started jogging, I was lucky to get a 20 min/mile.
So, I went home and canned applesauce and drank a few glasses of wine. Once again, I get a little wine in me and my control of food intake drastically decreases. So, I splurged and went overboard and had a 44 point dinner. But, I am still within all my points for the week, so I am doing okay.
It's been pretty busy and hectic with me working so much now. I am going to the gym this morning, to try to earn back a few of those weekly points.
I can feel myself slipping, not in a bad way, but just little things here and there. Keeping up this level of intensity for tracking and changing is difficult, but I know the hard-work will pay off in the long run.
In conclusion, I am still motivated and still trying.
Even for all the trouble, I still managed to jog the entire thing. Well, except for where it was too slippery, treacherous, etc. I didn't come in dead last, just 3rd from last. The last 3 of us jogged in together. But, I accomplished what I set out to do. I jogged the whole thing and I finished. I just checked my scores and I ran a 16:41 mile. Now, those of you who think that is pretty slow, it is. But, for me, it is pretty darn good and I am proud of that. Considering when I started jogging, I was lucky to get a 20 min/mile.
So, I went home and canned applesauce and drank a few glasses of wine. Once again, I get a little wine in me and my control of food intake drastically decreases. So, I splurged and went overboard and had a 44 point dinner. But, I am still within all my points for the week, so I am doing okay.
It's been pretty busy and hectic with me working so much now. I am going to the gym this morning, to try to earn back a few of those weekly points.
I can feel myself slipping, not in a bad way, but just little things here and there. Keeping up this level of intensity for tracking and changing is difficult, but I know the hard-work will pay off in the long run.
In conclusion, I am still motivated and still trying.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Down again!
Woo hoo - after 10 days, 3 of which were total hell and didn't track I still lost 3.8 pounds. I am down a total of 35.6 pounds. I only need 5 more pounds to make it down to my lowest I've been on WW. The way I am going, it seems like I am going to get there sooner rather than later.
Even with all this stress and crap going on in my life, I still feel like I have the energy to lose weight, track and exercise (even though finding the time to do it has been impossible lately).
So, motivation still going strong, the weight is coming off, and I am a happy lady (about that at least).
Even with all this stress and crap going on in my life, I still feel like I have the energy to lose weight, track and exercise (even though finding the time to do it has been impossible lately).
So, motivation still going strong, the weight is coming off, and I am a happy lady (about that at least).
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Working
I have figured something out.
If I am working and I plan ahead and pack my lunch, then I do very, very well. Yesterday, I spent the entire day at paramedic lab. I packed my lunch, salad, fruit, healthy, low point snacks and stayed away from the food court. Guess what? I hadn't eaten even a third of my points for the day. I came home and even ate another salad, had an adult beverage and still ended the day with 5 points left.
I still haven't figured out how to add exercise in right now, with being so busy. But, I am making small steps, I park farther away at work, I take the stairs, etc.
So, weigh in is on Saturday, I hope it's gonna be good. It should be, unless the Montana trip and wedding did more damage than I thought.
Oh, by the way, I heard through the grapevine that the helicopter job was filled by an internal candidate who wanted a transfer to the open position. So, now there is a position open in La Grande, but I can't commute 6 hours.
If I am working and I plan ahead and pack my lunch, then I do very, very well. Yesterday, I spent the entire day at paramedic lab. I packed my lunch, salad, fruit, healthy, low point snacks and stayed away from the food court. Guess what? I hadn't eaten even a third of my points for the day. I came home and even ate another salad, had an adult beverage and still ended the day with 5 points left.
I still haven't figured out how to add exercise in right now, with being so busy. But, I am making small steps, I park farther away at work, I take the stairs, etc.
So, weigh in is on Saturday, I hope it's gonna be good. It should be, unless the Montana trip and wedding did more damage than I thought.
Oh, by the way, I heard through the grapevine that the helicopter job was filled by an internal candidate who wanted a transfer to the open position. So, now there is a position open in La Grande, but I can't commute 6 hours.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Not a good weekend, but doing better
So, the wedding was Saturday and I really tried to be good. I did stay away from a whole lotta bad stuff, but I couldn't remember everything I ate so I didn't log.
Then, the drive home Sunday royally sucked, because hubby and I had a heart-to-heart about life, finances and me going back to work. It was a very depressing day and I didn't have a lot of good options for good food choices either, so I was way over on points. But, at least, I tried to log it all.
Monday, a little better. I knew we were going to dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant and I did save my points and plan for what I would eat and how much. I did well and stayed below points today.
Tuesday, about the same as Monday. We were out and about with my FIL and his new wife, but made wiser choices and once again, came under points for the day.
The big things eating at me right now, no pun intended, are the fact that I am still stressing and thinking about the bitch and her devil-spawn from the wedding, even though I have told myself a couple of hundred times to stop obsessing about it. That I don't have a lot of good options for going back to work, but if I ever want to retire I need to go back to work. That I feel like a huge has-been that no one remembers that I am a good medic, a good worker and all the good I once did. Now, in returning to the work-force, I am competing against people with less experience but more youth, strength and vigor. There is a job in town that is coming open and it would be an ideal situation, if not for the fact that my husband used to work there and I used to work for the neighboring department. So, there is a lot of baggage there on both sides if I were to even apply. That I didn't even get a call from the flight medic people even though I probably have more experience than any other candidate, the only thing holding me back is I am not actively working full-time in the field. And, that my darling husband, fears that I am going to get killed on the job when the helicopter crashes, leaving him alone to raise the kids.
So, still not happy with life right now and have no idea what to do. All I do know is I need to do something, because what I am doing right now is killing me. Working 2-3 hours here and there, with an hour commute each way doesn't make for a predictable life. Then, trying to add in WW and working out, I am not home too much it seems.
I feel like things are pretty bad right now. But, I have this bad feeling things are going to get worse before they get better.
I know, a depressing post, but on the bright side, at least I am not drowning my sorrows in a bucket of Tillamook Mudslide Ice Cream
Then, the drive home Sunday royally sucked, because hubby and I had a heart-to-heart about life, finances and me going back to work. It was a very depressing day and I didn't have a lot of good options for good food choices either, so I was way over on points. But, at least, I tried to log it all.
Monday, a little better. I knew we were going to dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant and I did save my points and plan for what I would eat and how much. I did well and stayed below points today.
Tuesday, about the same as Monday. We were out and about with my FIL and his new wife, but made wiser choices and once again, came under points for the day.
The big things eating at me right now, no pun intended, are the fact that I am still stressing and thinking about the bitch and her devil-spawn from the wedding, even though I have told myself a couple of hundred times to stop obsessing about it. That I don't have a lot of good options for going back to work, but if I ever want to retire I need to go back to work. That I feel like a huge has-been that no one remembers that I am a good medic, a good worker and all the good I once did. Now, in returning to the work-force, I am competing against people with less experience but more youth, strength and vigor. There is a job in town that is coming open and it would be an ideal situation, if not for the fact that my husband used to work there and I used to work for the neighboring department. So, there is a lot of baggage there on both sides if I were to even apply. That I didn't even get a call from the flight medic people even though I probably have more experience than any other candidate, the only thing holding me back is I am not actively working full-time in the field. And, that my darling husband, fears that I am going to get killed on the job when the helicopter crashes, leaving him alone to raise the kids.
So, still not happy with life right now and have no idea what to do. All I do know is I need to do something, because what I am doing right now is killing me. Working 2-3 hours here and there, with an hour commute each way doesn't make for a predictable life. Then, trying to add in WW and working out, I am not home too much it seems.
I feel like things are pretty bad right now. But, I have this bad feeling things are going to get worse before they get better.
I know, a depressing post, but on the bright side, at least I am not drowning my sorrows in a bucket of Tillamook Mudslide Ice Cream
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Major Breakdown
Last night I had a major breakdown. I mean illogical, uncontrollable crying that was only made worse when someone was trying to be nice kind of crying. Why, you may ask? Hell if I know, is my answer. I am hoping it has something to do with PMS and hormones and the 2 glasses of wine I had last night.
Let me set the stage - I am in Montana (don't want to be here) at my father-in-law's wedding rehearsal dinner. It is me, my husband and my kids surrounded by my FIL's fiancee's family (about 25 - 30) including at least a dozen or more kids. I feel completely alone and socially awkward since I can't remember anyone's name. My husband is being a social butterfly and able to talk to anyone. I am trying to watch my kids, but they are running around and I can't keep track of them. (I did try to relax and just let them be, but I found a complete stranger (the pastor's wife, at least I knew her) comforting my daughter because she got scared about something and I wasn't there for her).
A bratty 5 year-old bully was hogging the soccer ball all night. My son was playing nicely and the bratty boy finally dropped the ball and played with something else. My son picked it up, this brat came and tried to wrestle it out of his hands. Jack was holding his own and I had finally had enough of this brat and the soccer ball so I was going to take it away. His mom came down and started wrestling the ball away from him and I got close so I could get the ball and resolve the problem. She got in my face and said it was her kid and she would handle it. I simply stated that I am taking the soccer ball away so it wouldn't cause anymore problems. A minor skirmish with another mother. But add everything together, being so alone and exhausted, I just sat on the deck trying to hold it together and still watch the kids. My future step-mother-in-law saw me and asked what was wrong and I just lost it. Then, John came over and asked what was wrong, I was trying to stop crying, trying to tell everyone I was okay, I was exhausted and overloaded and it wasn't the confrontation, but a sum of all parts. John just said swore and walked away. I had another 2 hours to face these people that I didn't know, knowing that all of them knew I had a breakdown. My folks got in around 11 and once I saw them and got a hug, I started crying all over again. (Hell, as I am typing this, I am crying again.)
Finally, we all got to bed around 11. I laid in bed thinking about the whole evening and couldn't get my mind to stop.
So, what did last night's horrendous time do to my efforts to eat better. Well, I had 1 small sub sandwich, 1 serving of whole grain chips, 2 tbsp of dip, 1 1/2 cookies and 2 glasses of wine. There weren't many options for low fat eating. Even though I went over on daily points, I still have 35 weekly points left for the week. Which, my new week starts today, so I think I did pretty well considering everything.
Well, time to go be sociable again, and here is hoping for a much better day.
Let me set the stage - I am in Montana (don't want to be here) at my father-in-law's wedding rehearsal dinner. It is me, my husband and my kids surrounded by my FIL's fiancee's family (about 25 - 30) including at least a dozen or more kids. I feel completely alone and socially awkward since I can't remember anyone's name. My husband is being a social butterfly and able to talk to anyone. I am trying to watch my kids, but they are running around and I can't keep track of them. (I did try to relax and just let them be, but I found a complete stranger (the pastor's wife, at least I knew her) comforting my daughter because she got scared about something and I wasn't there for her).
A bratty 5 year-old bully was hogging the soccer ball all night. My son was playing nicely and the bratty boy finally dropped the ball and played with something else. My son picked it up, this brat came and tried to wrestle it out of his hands. Jack was holding his own and I had finally had enough of this brat and the soccer ball so I was going to take it away. His mom came down and started wrestling the ball away from him and I got close so I could get the ball and resolve the problem. She got in my face and said it was her kid and she would handle it. I simply stated that I am taking the soccer ball away so it wouldn't cause anymore problems. A minor skirmish with another mother. But add everything together, being so alone and exhausted, I just sat on the deck trying to hold it together and still watch the kids. My future step-mother-in-law saw me and asked what was wrong and I just lost it. Then, John came over and asked what was wrong, I was trying to stop crying, trying to tell everyone I was okay, I was exhausted and overloaded and it wasn't the confrontation, but a sum of all parts. John just said swore and walked away. I had another 2 hours to face these people that I didn't know, knowing that all of them knew I had a breakdown. My folks got in around 11 and once I saw them and got a hug, I started crying all over again. (Hell, as I am typing this, I am crying again.)
Finally, we all got to bed around 11. I laid in bed thinking about the whole evening and couldn't get my mind to stop.
So, what did last night's horrendous time do to my efforts to eat better. Well, I had 1 small sub sandwich, 1 serving of whole grain chips, 2 tbsp of dip, 1 1/2 cookies and 2 glasses of wine. There weren't many options for low fat eating. Even though I went over on daily points, I still have 35 weekly points left for the week. Which, my new week starts today, so I think I did pretty well considering everything.
Well, time to go be sociable again, and here is hoping for a much better day.
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