5:30 is going to come way too soon

It is going to be a hectic week for me. I am working, working out and have very busy days scheduled. So, I don't know how much I will be able to blog this week. If Julie doesn't wake up in the middle of the night again, I will be up at 0530 to exercise with Leigha. If she does get up, then I need my sleep, because I am going to be up late tomorrow night. I am teaching 2 different classes.

Yesterday and today was more about portion controlling and staying within points rather than choosing healthier options. And you know what, I feel tired and sluggish. So, tomorrow, I will eat healthier options, better for me food and exercise, and you know what, I just might actually start to feel good again.

Part of the problem was that both kids were up sick last night and I didn't get a lot of sleep. Something must of clicked, because I didn't run to food. I got very tired and cranky today with them, but I didn't run to the refrigerator. Well, I did, but I opened the door and said, nothing in here is going to make me feel better, and I walked away. Progress.

I am still going to write that post, the reasons why I hate being fat. However, I am done for the night.

Progress to Report

I went to WW last night and was pleased with a 5 day performance and losing 2.4 pounds. I am feeling so much better, more energy, generally able to handle stress better.

I did have a splurge day Thursday after WW meeting. I started my new job and brought food to eat with me. I got so busy during the day, that I just snacked on my turkey-roll, drank water and that was it. By the time the meeting care around I still had 2 meals and snacks worth of points left. I would like to say I ate some healthy stuff, but I didn't. I splurged on a skinny cow candy treat (2 points), and adult beverage and skinny cow ice cream. I still had over 10 daily points left, which isn't wise on the long-term, but one day isn't going to hurt.

I have got to say that the skinny cow ice cream TOTALLY ROCKED!!!!!!!! It is a light ice cream that doesn't taste light. It was smooth and creamy and portion controlled because it came in a little, itty, bitty container.

Today, I have been good. I ate a little too much at snack so I ate a huge salad for lunch. Then, instead of going out to eat, cooked a healthier dinner at home. I gotta say, Jambalaya is pretty good. Savory and spicy and WW friendly.

30 min is better than nothing

I am proud of myself. I put in a workout DVD today after the kids went to bed. I actually did want to workout, even though it was almost 9:30 pm. I was thinking that I could do the whole thing, about an hour. Yeah, well, I was happy to get 30 minutes in. When I got started though, my body didn't want to work out. So, I told myself at least do 10 minutes. I got to 30 then I said enough.

So, I met my goal of 14 activity points for the week, and I'll probably get more, since I plan to go to the gym tomorrow.

Yay, for small victories.

1/2 a week down

So, it's been 4 days and how am I doing? I think pretty darn well. I haven't used any WPs and still have 2 APs left. I have earned 11 activity points, well on my way to earn the goal of 14 per week. I am also very proud of myself that I didn't fall back into an old pattern when things got really stressful around here yesterday. Jack was really sick (recurrent sinus infection, tonsillitis, refused to take the "yucky" meds), hubby was SUPER CRANKY and tired from stress at work. I constantly had to tell myself that going to the refrigerator and eating high calorie food was going to do nothing for the stress and only make it worse. Something seemed to click with that statement, when I was staring into the fridge looking for something bad to eat, nothing in the refrigerator was going to make the stress at home any better. NOTHING I PUT INTO MY MOUTH IS GOING TO MAKE THE STRESS ANY  BETTER OR MAKE ME FEEL BETTER SO WHY EAT IT?

The most important thing is that I am feeling better. I feel in control, maybe even positive. I can already fit back into a pair of jeans that I couldn't a week ago.

It is taking a lot of mental energy, but, I am hoping that it gets to be second nature in a few weeks.

By the way, if you are reading this, please comment. Your comments truly make me more motivated to stay on track.

Next post - Why I hate being fat.

New Year, New Motivation or Here We Go Again

I am a food addict. There is no way around it. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. 

When I am depressed I eat and I have been pretty depressed for the past 6 - 8 months or so. Part of the problem is that I stopped taking my anti-depressant regularly. I would forget in the morning, then remember, then get distracted and forget. Take the depression, the gaining weight and not fitting into some clothes and it was a big spiral downward.

I didn't take the WW lifestyle to heart. I followed the program and lost weight, but never addressed the problem of why I over-eat. I forgot that I felt great when I was eating well and exercising I felt better. 

I have written myself a weight-loss contract. It is something I will carry with me in hopes that it will help me make good choices.

Here is the Contract so far:

Weight Loss Contract;

1.      I will start going to WW meetings on Saturday mornings

2.      My week will start Sundays.

3.      My goal will be not to use my WPs.

4.      I am allowed 1 soda a day, the rest will be water, iced tea or other non-carbonated, non sugared drink.

5.      I will drink at least 6 glasses of water

6.      I may not have an alcoholic beverage unless I work out that day, and may only drink the number of points I earned.

7.      For every 10 pounds I lose, I may buy 1 $10 item that I normally wouldn’t buy for myself. For example, a new bracelet or make-up.

8.      I may subscribe to WW magazine.

9.      I will work out at least 3 times a week, at least 10 minutes.

10.  If I am having a depressing or really rough day, I will re-read this list in its entirety and look at my weight trackers to remember that I gained back everything plus some.

11.  I will blog at least 3 times a week, ideally at least once a day.

12.  If I cannot make it to the gym, I will put a workout DVD in.

13.  I will take my well-butrin every morning.

14.  I will get dressed every day. I will allow myself only 1 pajama day a WW week.

15.  When I am at home with the children and we are having a bad day, instead of running to the kitchen looking for food to eat, I will …

a.       Walk up and down the stairs until I feel better

b.      Chew gum and blow bubble gum bubbles.

c.       Choose to eat fruit or veggies

d.      Eat a controlled portion of not-so-great choices

So, here we go again.

7 weeks

I haven't blogged in 7 weeks. I haven't logged on to WW in 7 weeks. I totally gave up for 7 weeks.

I gained weight.

A lot of weight.

Instead of spending precious time and energy berating myself for how much I gained and how far back I've put myself, I am taking a deep breath and starting again.

I will follow the plan, but I will also live life. I will log my food, but if I forget that is okay too.I need to find the happy medium where WW doesn't take all my energy but I can still be accountable and lose the weight.

Again.

Not as pleased as I should be

Okay, what's up with my head?

I am within 5 pounds of the lowest since I weighed at WW. I fit back into the clothes that I got into a few times, before I gained the weight back. So, why am I not as happy as I was when I first lost the weight?

It seems like I've forgotten, emotionally, how big I was and how much I have succeeded. Now, I feel fat and lumpy again, but this time I am 35 pounds lighter than I was when I fat and lumpy before.

I wonder what is going on in my head? Did I get used to my current weight and body so that now my natural-born dislike for it reared its ugly head? If I lose 35 more pounds (which will put me very near goal), and maintain, will I still feel fat and lumpy?

You know what, let's lose the weight and find out!!!!

My First XC5k

On Sunday, I ran my first 5k. When I signed up for it, I didn't realize it was a cross-country 5k. My feeble little mind just thought it would be a few hills, and maybe a trail or two. Nope. It was up and down and all-around. There was even a mud pit that was so deep, I lost my shoe, twice.

Even for all the trouble, I still managed to jog the entire thing. Well, except for where it was too slippery, treacherous, etc. I didn't come in dead last, just 3rd from last. The last 3 of us jogged in together. But, I accomplished what I set out to do. I jogged the whole thing and I finished. I just checked my scores and I ran a 16:41 mile. Now, those of you who think that is pretty slow, it is. But, for me, it is pretty darn good and I am proud of that. Considering when I started jogging, I was lucky to get a 20 min/mile.

So, I went home and canned applesauce and drank a few glasses of wine. Once again, I get a little wine in me and my control of food intake drastically decreases. So, I splurged and went overboard and had a 44 point dinner. But, I am still within all my points for the week, so I am doing okay.

It's been pretty busy and hectic with me working so much now. I am going to the gym this morning, to try to earn back a few of those weekly points.

I can feel myself slipping, not in a bad way, but just little things here and there. Keeping up this level of intensity for tracking and changing is difficult, but I know the hard-work will pay off in the long run.

In conclusion, I am still motivated and still trying.

Down again!

Woo hoo - after 10 days, 3 of which were total hell and didn't track I still lost 3.8 pounds. I am down a total of 35.6 pounds. I only need 5 more pounds to make it down to my lowest I've been on WW. The way I am going, it seems like I am going to get there sooner rather than later.

Even with all this stress and crap going on in my life, I still feel like I have the energy to lose weight, track and exercise (even though finding the time to do it has been impossible lately).

So, motivation still going strong, the weight is coming off, and I am a happy lady (about that at least).

Working

I have figured something out.

If I am working and I plan ahead and pack my lunch, then I do very, very well. Yesterday, I spent the entire day at paramedic lab. I packed my lunch, salad, fruit, healthy, low point snacks and stayed away from the food court. Guess what? I hadn't eaten even a third of my points for the day. I came home and even ate another salad, had an adult beverage and still ended the day with 5 points left.
I still haven't figured out how to add exercise in right now, with being so busy. But, I am making small steps, I park farther away at work, I take the stairs, etc.

So, weigh in is on Saturday, I hope it's gonna be good. It should be, unless the Montana trip and wedding did more damage than I thought.

Oh, by the way, I heard through the grapevine that the helicopter job was filled by an internal candidate who wanted a transfer to the open position. So, now there is a position open in La Grande, but I can't commute 6 hours.

Not a good weekend, but doing better

So, the wedding was Saturday and I really tried to be good. I did stay away from a whole lotta bad stuff, but I couldn't remember everything I ate so I didn't log.

Then, the drive home Sunday royally sucked, because hubby and I had a heart-to-heart about life, finances and me going back to work. It was a very depressing day and I didn't have a lot of good options for good food choices either, so I was way over on points. But, at least, I tried to log it all.

Monday, a little better. I knew we were going to dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant and I did save my points and plan for what I would eat and how much. I did well and stayed below points today.

Tuesday, about the same as Monday. We were out and about with my FIL and his new wife, but made wiser choices and once again, came under points for the day.

The big things eating at me right now, no pun intended, are the fact that I am still stressing and thinking about the bitch and her devil-spawn from the wedding, even though I have told myself a couple of hundred times to stop obsessing about it. That I don't have a lot of good options for going back to work, but if I ever want to retire I need to go back to work. That I feel like a huge has-been that no one remembers that I am a good medic, a good worker and all the good I once did. Now, in returning to the work-force, I am competing against people with less experience but more youth, strength and vigor. There is a job in town that is coming open and it would be an ideal situation, if not for the fact that my husband used to work there and I used to work for the neighboring department. So, there is a lot of baggage there on both sides if I were to even apply. That I didn't even get a call from the flight medic people even though I probably have more experience than any other candidate, the only thing holding me back is I am not actively working full-time in the field. And, that my darling husband, fears that I am going to get killed on the job when the helicopter crashes, leaving him alone to raise the kids.

So, still not happy with life right now and have no idea what to do. All I do know is I need to do something, because what I am doing right now is killing me. Working 2-3 hours here and there, with an hour commute each way doesn't make for a predictable life. Then, trying to add in WW and working out, I am not home too much it seems.

I feel like things are pretty bad right now. But, I have this bad feeling things are going to get worse before they get better.

I know, a depressing post, but on the bright side, at least I am not drowning my sorrows in a bucket of Tillamook Mudslide Ice Cream

Major Breakdown

Last night I had a major breakdown. I mean illogical, uncontrollable crying that was only made worse when someone was trying to be nice kind of crying. Why, you may ask? Hell if I know, is my answer. I am hoping it has something to do with PMS and hormones and the 2 glasses of wine I had last night.

Let me set the stage - I am in Montana (don't want to be here) at my father-in-law's wedding rehearsal dinner. It is me, my husband and my kids surrounded by my FIL's fiancee's family (about 25 - 30) including at least a dozen or more kids. I feel completely alone and socially awkward since I can't remember anyone's name. My husband is being a social butterfly and able to talk to anyone. I am trying to watch my kids, but they are running around and I can't keep track of them. (I did try to relax and just let them be, but I found a complete stranger (the pastor's wife, at least I knew her) comforting my daughter because she got scared about something and I wasn't there for her).

A bratty 5 year-old bully was hogging the soccer ball all night. My son was playing nicely and the bratty boy finally dropped the ball and played with something else. My son picked it up, this brat came and tried to wrestle it out of his hands. Jack was holding his own and I had finally had enough of this brat and the soccer ball so I was going to take it away. His mom came down and started wrestling the ball away from him and I got close so I could get the ball and resolve the problem. She got in my face and said it was her kid and she would handle it. I simply stated that I am taking the soccer ball away so it wouldn't cause anymore problems. A minor skirmish with another mother. But add everything together, being so alone and exhausted, I just sat on the deck trying to hold it together and still watch the kids. My future step-mother-in-law saw me and asked what was wrong and I just lost it. Then, John came over and asked what was wrong, I was trying to stop crying, trying to tell everyone I was okay, I was exhausted and overloaded and it wasn't the confrontation, but a sum of all parts. John just said swore and walked away. I had another 2 hours to face these people that I didn't know, knowing that all of them knew I had a breakdown. My folks got in around 11 and once I saw them and got a hug, I started crying all over again. (Hell, as I am typing this, I am crying again.)

Finally, we all got to bed around 11. I laid in bed thinking about the whole evening and couldn't get my mind to stop.

So, what did last night's horrendous time do to my efforts to eat better. Well, I had 1 small sub sandwich, 1 serving of whole grain chips, 2 tbsp of dip, 1 1/2 cookies and 2 glasses of wine. There weren't many options for low fat eating. Even though I went over on daily points, I still have 35 weekly points left for the week. Which, my new week starts today, so I think I did pretty well considering everything.

Well, time to go be sociable again, and here is hoping for a much better day.

We Made it to Montana

After 12 long hours and over 700 miles we made it to Montana. I am proud to report, that I am still under points for today and have had all my fruits and veggies. I took what WW emphasized yesterday and made it work for me. I knew I was going to be in dangerous situations and how would I handle each one. I am proud to admit that I managed to do just fine.

I am not saying I wasn't tempted, but I only had 1 white-chocolate-coated-coconut-haystack, instead of the 5 I usually eat from the Country Mercantile in Pasco, Washington.

Here is something funny. I didn't eat much yesterday, too busy, not hungry, had weigh-in. I ate after I got home from WW. This morning, I ate yogurt, snacked on fruit and veggies, but never got "full"  At lunch, I ate a barbecue pulled pork sandwich. I should've stopped at a half, but I ate 1/4 more and had the worst cramping belly ache. Am I shrinking my stomach down, I certainly hope so.

For dinner tonight, I knew it was going to be difficult. My future step-mother-in-law cooks the old-fashioned way with butter, butter, butter. She made lasagna and caesar salad. I filled my plate with Caesar salad (I made sure to take the stuff that had very little dressing on it, which was difficult to find) and only about a 1/2 to 3/4 cup of the lasagna, and a piece of garlic artisan bread, which was so good even without the butter I usually like to slather on it. I planned this and I followed through. Babysteps!!!!

So, tomorrow and the next day I am going to be surrounded by food. Cookies, cakes, Famous Dave's ribs, chips, dip, etc, etc, etc. Everything imaginable for a backyard, albeit casual, wedding. I am packing a lot of gum and will be carrying my water religiously.

I still have all 49 weeklys left, so that may help.

I know this is getting long, but I need to get this out. I am pretty sure I am not going to get the helicopter job I applied for. I submitted my application a week ago. I received an e-mail that confirmed they received it and they would "contact the applicants who most closely matched their needs within 10 working days." I have been around this business long enough to know that, even at 5 days, if they wanted me I would have received a phone call by now. I am pretty disappointed, but I am not letting that stop me from losing the weight. If I don't get this job, then I'll lose another 30 pounds (which I want to anyway) and apply for the other helicopter job.

Well, I've been away from my family for 10 minutes, there might be some disaster if I don't get back rather quickly.

Down a kilogram

After a week of hitting it pretty hard, I am proud to report that I am down 2.2 pounds. I only have 5.6 more to go before I am below weight for my dream job. I will run 10 miles in a rubber suit in 100 degree weather if I have to to get down. (Just kidding, I know it is dangerous to do that)

I feel pretty good about myself. I feel remotivated, not just because of the job, but because of the success I am having and feeling. I don't feel like a fat lump anymore. My clothes are fitting again. I was in my fat pants again, but now they are too big, once again. I feel like I look better. I am only 7 pounds away from where I was my lowest almost 9 months ago. I am sort of frustrated that it took me this long to get here, but here I am. I need to forgive myself for the plateau, for the giving up and for everything I do wrong. It just doesn't help me to lose weight.

The meeting leader said something pretty funny tonight, she said that WW was her AA. How true! I feel exactly that way. I am an addict to food, but since I cannot abstain from food completely, I must learn to manage my addiction as best I can.

So, I will face challenges in the next 5 days. We are traveling, once again, to Montana. There will be fast food, convenience store food, long hours in the car with nothing to do except keep from going insane. There will be a wedding, a cookout and cake. I am wearing my running shoes, packing a whole bunch of gum and praying I get through the stress of the next 5 days.

I seemed to be pretty talkative tonight, but I do need to get some sleep. 5 a.m. is going to come early.

6 days and still going strong

Today was another successful day on WW. I ate wisely, got all my veggies and fruits in and even enjoyed, (insert scandalous music here), a McDonald's McDouble and a glass of an adult beverage and popcorn. I did this all while staying on points (not using any of my weeklys). How did I do this, you ask? It is really easy when you pack nothing but veggies for snacks and lunch was a 4 point salad. I also ate 2 yogurts, which got my dairy servings in.

Did I feel like I was starving, well, yes, hence the McDouble. But, I chose wisely and didn't get fries or a soda and did get a serving of apples. (It was also mondo-cheap, $2)

I still haven't had a chance to get to the gym, insert frowny face. But, since I was in class today and will be again tomorrow, the stairs I have to walk will count for a little.

So, almost a full week back on WW and still going strong.

Yay me!

First Test - Lunch and Dinner Out

I would have to say I think I passed today's tests with flying colors.

First, I went to WW and was pleasantly surprised to learn I'd only gained 7 pounds over the 2 months I gave up on WW. I think it was a lot worse than that, but in the 2 or so weeks before hitting it hard again, I was able to lose some of it plus a lot of water weight. So, I only need to lose 7 pounds to get below flying weight.

Second, I was out and about with the kids all day and didn't plan well. I got super hungry right around lunch and I had promised the kids McDonalds for lunch. So, I got them their Happy Meals (I substitute apples for fries for them, BTW) and I chose a McDouble and a large, unsweetened, Iced Tea. Yes, the sandwich was 10 points, but I stayed away from ordering fries or a soda. Later that day, I got tasty treats for them and was able to control myself from eating more than a 1/2 cup of Moose Munch. So, while we were out and about, I ate 13 points, which isn't bad considering.

Finally, I went to a goodbye dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I drank plenty of water, controlled how many tortilla chips I ate and split chicken fajitas with a friend of mine. So, I am left with 2 points for the day and I am just going to leave it at that.

Lessons learned:

1. I can manage to eat out at all the bad places and still stay on plan and target.
2. I can allow myself to have a tasty treat as long as I control portion sizes.
3. I can go out to eat and have a delicious meal, still feel satisfied and stay under daily target.
4. I need to plan days like this and pack extra water and snacks for me and the kids, and I need to eat more veggies on days like this.

Remotivation is nice. I want to get to my goal weight this go around and just stay there instead of the past year of weight loss waxes and wanes. And, I can do it. (With a little help from my friends) And you know who you are!!!

Spin Class

I went to spin class this morning. Last spin class I went to, the instructor advised that we should drink 40 oz of water before class and at least that during and after. Wow, that is a lot of water. So, before class, I drank 24 oz. When I got to class and got going I realized that it was pretty hot in the room where we were spinning. The combination of the heat and all the fluid I drank caused me to do something that I don't think I've ever done before. I had sweat dripping off my fingertips and off the tip of my nose. I couldn't believe it, I usually don't sweat like that.

I am a little nervous. I am heading back to WW meetings for the first time in 2 months. I know I have gained in those 2 months, but I am hoping that I am down from when we got home from our trip. I feel pretty good about how I have been eating. I have been drinking all my water and eating all the vegetables. I am also avoiding white breads and other foods like that. I won't cut them completely out, but I am trying to avoid eating as much of them as I used to. Maybe that will help lose this weight.

I'll post more when I get back from the meeting.

Day 2

I have caught myself several times today putting food into my mouth without thinking about it. And, I spit it out if it wasn't good for me or if I wasn't hungry. I'll admit thought that I did snack on a bunch of veggies today, but that is because I made homemade salsa and kept popping tomatoes and peppers. Does anyone know the difference between a jalapeno and a chili pepper? They both tasted pretty darn hot to me. Also, what is the difference between pico de gallo and salsa? Because, before I cooked the salsa to get it ready to can, it sure tasted a lot like pico and my husband loved it so much he wants me to make it more often. BTW - I canned 5 pints of salsa today. The fat- free homemade yumminess!

I've been so busy with work and so has my husband that I haven't been able to get to the gym like I wanted to. And, we are pinching pennies, so I don't want to have to pay babysitters (even if they were available, but school is back in session).

I am still panicking that I won't lose weight, even though it has only been 2 days. But, my motivation feels awesome, like when I first started a year ago. What is it about September that gets me motivated to lose weight? I also, finally, sent in the application to insurance to start the reimbursement plan again. I don't know why I procrastinated so much, but I sent it in. Once I get the go ahead to start the program, I have to go to a WW meeting every week or I don't get my money back.

New Motivation

It has been a hard couple of weeks. I haven't been sticking to WW perfectly, but I am proud to say that I've lost 2.6 pounds since I last weighed in. Of course, it is 2 totally different scales, but this one is at the doctor's office. But, I am still down and that is a good thing.

I have 13 more pounds to go then I'll be at my lowest since starting WW. And, with my new motivation, it shouldn't be hard to get there now. You see, my dream job just posted an opening. It is working as a flight paramedic on a helicopter. The problem is is that I am 10 pounds over-weight. But, since I just submitted my application today, I am hoping it will take a few weeks before I have to do their physical and get weighed in.

So, I am on the super-eating-healthy kick and the super-tracking kick. I did very well today and will continue to do well. As I told someone today, I am great at maintaining. I just hit plateaus and they suck. I spoke with my PA today and we discussed plateaus. It seems I hit my set point and in order to get below that set point, I need to decrease my food even more, increase activity and try to shock my body into losing more weight. So, I have decided to cut down on the carbs, limit the amount of rice, bread and potatoes. I am not saying cut carbs out completely, but limit them and see what happens. So, here is hoping that this works.

So, if you are reading this, please send a prayer. I am really, really, really hoping this is what God wants for me, since my last 2 attempts at finding a job were disappointingly unsuccessful.

What to Do

I am trying to make a decision. I have an opportunity to start attending a WW meeting in my home town. It is Thursdays at 3:45 p.m. My neighbor goes to it and  I think having someone at the meeting, making sure I attend would help. The only problem is that this meeting doesn't accept the monthly pass that I am paying for. She will allow paying for 12 weeks at a time which is approximately the same money that I am paying for monthly pass now. If I stop paying for the monthly pass and decide that these Thursdays don't work, then I will have to go back to monthly pass at a higher rate. Her pass is accepted elsewhere, but not vice versa.

I also signed up for a 5k run in October. I figure it is good motivation to keep me out and running. It's only a 5k but I want to get done in under an hour. That is my goal.

How has the week been going? Meh. I am not gaining anymore, but I don't know if I am losing. I haven't made it back to a WW meeting to get the official weigh in. But, I know I am down from when I got back from the trip.

So, here is to, hopefully, a good day.