7 weeks

I haven't blogged in 7 weeks. I haven't logged on to WW in 7 weeks. I totally gave up for 7 weeks.

I gained weight.

A lot of weight.

Instead of spending precious time and energy berating myself for how much I gained and how far back I've put myself, I am taking a deep breath and starting again.

I will follow the plan, but I will also live life. I will log my food, but if I forget that is okay too.I need to find the happy medium where WW doesn't take all my energy but I can still be accountable and lose the weight.

Again.

Not as pleased as I should be

Okay, what's up with my head?

I am within 5 pounds of the lowest since I weighed at WW. I fit back into the clothes that I got into a few times, before I gained the weight back. So, why am I not as happy as I was when I first lost the weight?

It seems like I've forgotten, emotionally, how big I was and how much I have succeeded. Now, I feel fat and lumpy again, but this time I am 35 pounds lighter than I was when I fat and lumpy before.

I wonder what is going on in my head? Did I get used to my current weight and body so that now my natural-born dislike for it reared its ugly head? If I lose 35 more pounds (which will put me very near goal), and maintain, will I still feel fat and lumpy?

You know what, let's lose the weight and find out!!!!

My First XC5k

On Sunday, I ran my first 5k. When I signed up for it, I didn't realize it was a cross-country 5k. My feeble little mind just thought it would be a few hills, and maybe a trail or two. Nope. It was up and down and all-around. There was even a mud pit that was so deep, I lost my shoe, twice.

Even for all the trouble, I still managed to jog the entire thing. Well, except for where it was too slippery, treacherous, etc. I didn't come in dead last, just 3rd from last. The last 3 of us jogged in together. But, I accomplished what I set out to do. I jogged the whole thing and I finished. I just checked my scores and I ran a 16:41 mile. Now, those of you who think that is pretty slow, it is. But, for me, it is pretty darn good and I am proud of that. Considering when I started jogging, I was lucky to get a 20 min/mile.

So, I went home and canned applesauce and drank a few glasses of wine. Once again, I get a little wine in me and my control of food intake drastically decreases. So, I splurged and went overboard and had a 44 point dinner. But, I am still within all my points for the week, so I am doing okay.

It's been pretty busy and hectic with me working so much now. I am going to the gym this morning, to try to earn back a few of those weekly points.

I can feel myself slipping, not in a bad way, but just little things here and there. Keeping up this level of intensity for tracking and changing is difficult, but I know the hard-work will pay off in the long run.

In conclusion, I am still motivated and still trying.

Down again!

Woo hoo - after 10 days, 3 of which were total hell and didn't track I still lost 3.8 pounds. I am down a total of 35.6 pounds. I only need 5 more pounds to make it down to my lowest I've been on WW. The way I am going, it seems like I am going to get there sooner rather than later.

Even with all this stress and crap going on in my life, I still feel like I have the energy to lose weight, track and exercise (even though finding the time to do it has been impossible lately).

So, motivation still going strong, the weight is coming off, and I am a happy lady (about that at least).

Working

I have figured something out.

If I am working and I plan ahead and pack my lunch, then I do very, very well. Yesterday, I spent the entire day at paramedic lab. I packed my lunch, salad, fruit, healthy, low point snacks and stayed away from the food court. Guess what? I hadn't eaten even a third of my points for the day. I came home and even ate another salad, had an adult beverage and still ended the day with 5 points left.
I still haven't figured out how to add exercise in right now, with being so busy. But, I am making small steps, I park farther away at work, I take the stairs, etc.

So, weigh in is on Saturday, I hope it's gonna be good. It should be, unless the Montana trip and wedding did more damage than I thought.

Oh, by the way, I heard through the grapevine that the helicopter job was filled by an internal candidate who wanted a transfer to the open position. So, now there is a position open in La Grande, but I can't commute 6 hours.

Not a good weekend, but doing better

So, the wedding was Saturday and I really tried to be good. I did stay away from a whole lotta bad stuff, but I couldn't remember everything I ate so I didn't log.

Then, the drive home Sunday royally sucked, because hubby and I had a heart-to-heart about life, finances and me going back to work. It was a very depressing day and I didn't have a lot of good options for good food choices either, so I was way over on points. But, at least, I tried to log it all.

Monday, a little better. I knew we were going to dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant and I did save my points and plan for what I would eat and how much. I did well and stayed below points today.

Tuesday, about the same as Monday. We were out and about with my FIL and his new wife, but made wiser choices and once again, came under points for the day.

The big things eating at me right now, no pun intended, are the fact that I am still stressing and thinking about the bitch and her devil-spawn from the wedding, even though I have told myself a couple of hundred times to stop obsessing about it. That I don't have a lot of good options for going back to work, but if I ever want to retire I need to go back to work. That I feel like a huge has-been that no one remembers that I am a good medic, a good worker and all the good I once did. Now, in returning to the work-force, I am competing against people with less experience but more youth, strength and vigor. There is a job in town that is coming open and it would be an ideal situation, if not for the fact that my husband used to work there and I used to work for the neighboring department. So, there is a lot of baggage there on both sides if I were to even apply. That I didn't even get a call from the flight medic people even though I probably have more experience than any other candidate, the only thing holding me back is I am not actively working full-time in the field. And, that my darling husband, fears that I am going to get killed on the job when the helicopter crashes, leaving him alone to raise the kids.

So, still not happy with life right now and have no idea what to do. All I do know is I need to do something, because what I am doing right now is killing me. Working 2-3 hours here and there, with an hour commute each way doesn't make for a predictable life. Then, trying to add in WW and working out, I am not home too much it seems.

I feel like things are pretty bad right now. But, I have this bad feeling things are going to get worse before they get better.

I know, a depressing post, but on the bright side, at least I am not drowning my sorrows in a bucket of Tillamook Mudslide Ice Cream

Major Breakdown

Last night I had a major breakdown. I mean illogical, uncontrollable crying that was only made worse when someone was trying to be nice kind of crying. Why, you may ask? Hell if I know, is my answer. I am hoping it has something to do with PMS and hormones and the 2 glasses of wine I had last night.

Let me set the stage - I am in Montana (don't want to be here) at my father-in-law's wedding rehearsal dinner. It is me, my husband and my kids surrounded by my FIL's fiancee's family (about 25 - 30) including at least a dozen or more kids. I feel completely alone and socially awkward since I can't remember anyone's name. My husband is being a social butterfly and able to talk to anyone. I am trying to watch my kids, but they are running around and I can't keep track of them. (I did try to relax and just let them be, but I found a complete stranger (the pastor's wife, at least I knew her) comforting my daughter because she got scared about something and I wasn't there for her).

A bratty 5 year-old bully was hogging the soccer ball all night. My son was playing nicely and the bratty boy finally dropped the ball and played with something else. My son picked it up, this brat came and tried to wrestle it out of his hands. Jack was holding his own and I had finally had enough of this brat and the soccer ball so I was going to take it away. His mom came down and started wrestling the ball away from him and I got close so I could get the ball and resolve the problem. She got in my face and said it was her kid and she would handle it. I simply stated that I am taking the soccer ball away so it wouldn't cause anymore problems. A minor skirmish with another mother. But add everything together, being so alone and exhausted, I just sat on the deck trying to hold it together and still watch the kids. My future step-mother-in-law saw me and asked what was wrong and I just lost it. Then, John came over and asked what was wrong, I was trying to stop crying, trying to tell everyone I was okay, I was exhausted and overloaded and it wasn't the confrontation, but a sum of all parts. John just said swore and walked away. I had another 2 hours to face these people that I didn't know, knowing that all of them knew I had a breakdown. My folks got in around 11 and once I saw them and got a hug, I started crying all over again. (Hell, as I am typing this, I am crying again.)

Finally, we all got to bed around 11. I laid in bed thinking about the whole evening and couldn't get my mind to stop.

So, what did last night's horrendous time do to my efforts to eat better. Well, I had 1 small sub sandwich, 1 serving of whole grain chips, 2 tbsp of dip, 1 1/2 cookies and 2 glasses of wine. There weren't many options for low fat eating. Even though I went over on daily points, I still have 35 weekly points left for the week. Which, my new week starts today, so I think I did pretty well considering everything.

Well, time to go be sociable again, and here is hoping for a much better day.

We Made it to Montana

After 12 long hours and over 700 miles we made it to Montana. I am proud to report, that I am still under points for today and have had all my fruits and veggies. I took what WW emphasized yesterday and made it work for me. I knew I was going to be in dangerous situations and how would I handle each one. I am proud to admit that I managed to do just fine.

I am not saying I wasn't tempted, but I only had 1 white-chocolate-coated-coconut-haystack, instead of the 5 I usually eat from the Country Mercantile in Pasco, Washington.

Here is something funny. I didn't eat much yesterday, too busy, not hungry, had weigh-in. I ate after I got home from WW. This morning, I ate yogurt, snacked on fruit and veggies, but never got "full"  At lunch, I ate a barbecue pulled pork sandwich. I should've stopped at a half, but I ate 1/4 more and had the worst cramping belly ache. Am I shrinking my stomach down, I certainly hope so.

For dinner tonight, I knew it was going to be difficult. My future step-mother-in-law cooks the old-fashioned way with butter, butter, butter. She made lasagna and caesar salad. I filled my plate with Caesar salad (I made sure to take the stuff that had very little dressing on it, which was difficult to find) and only about a 1/2 to 3/4 cup of the lasagna, and a piece of garlic artisan bread, which was so good even without the butter I usually like to slather on it. I planned this and I followed through. Babysteps!!!!

So, tomorrow and the next day I am going to be surrounded by food. Cookies, cakes, Famous Dave's ribs, chips, dip, etc, etc, etc. Everything imaginable for a backyard, albeit casual, wedding. I am packing a lot of gum and will be carrying my water religiously.

I still have all 49 weeklys left, so that may help.

I know this is getting long, but I need to get this out. I am pretty sure I am not going to get the helicopter job I applied for. I submitted my application a week ago. I received an e-mail that confirmed they received it and they would "contact the applicants who most closely matched their needs within 10 working days." I have been around this business long enough to know that, even at 5 days, if they wanted me I would have received a phone call by now. I am pretty disappointed, but I am not letting that stop me from losing the weight. If I don't get this job, then I'll lose another 30 pounds (which I want to anyway) and apply for the other helicopter job.

Well, I've been away from my family for 10 minutes, there might be some disaster if I don't get back rather quickly.

Down a kilogram

After a week of hitting it pretty hard, I am proud to report that I am down 2.2 pounds. I only have 5.6 more to go before I am below weight for my dream job. I will run 10 miles in a rubber suit in 100 degree weather if I have to to get down. (Just kidding, I know it is dangerous to do that)

I feel pretty good about myself. I feel remotivated, not just because of the job, but because of the success I am having and feeling. I don't feel like a fat lump anymore. My clothes are fitting again. I was in my fat pants again, but now they are too big, once again. I feel like I look better. I am only 7 pounds away from where I was my lowest almost 9 months ago. I am sort of frustrated that it took me this long to get here, but here I am. I need to forgive myself for the plateau, for the giving up and for everything I do wrong. It just doesn't help me to lose weight.

The meeting leader said something pretty funny tonight, she said that WW was her AA. How true! I feel exactly that way. I am an addict to food, but since I cannot abstain from food completely, I must learn to manage my addiction as best I can.

So, I will face challenges in the next 5 days. We are traveling, once again, to Montana. There will be fast food, convenience store food, long hours in the car with nothing to do except keep from going insane. There will be a wedding, a cookout and cake. I am wearing my running shoes, packing a whole bunch of gum and praying I get through the stress of the next 5 days.

I seemed to be pretty talkative tonight, but I do need to get some sleep. 5 a.m. is going to come early.

6 days and still going strong

Today was another successful day on WW. I ate wisely, got all my veggies and fruits in and even enjoyed, (insert scandalous music here), a McDonald's McDouble and a glass of an adult beverage and popcorn. I did this all while staying on points (not using any of my weeklys). How did I do this, you ask? It is really easy when you pack nothing but veggies for snacks and lunch was a 4 point salad. I also ate 2 yogurts, which got my dairy servings in.

Did I feel like I was starving, well, yes, hence the McDouble. But, I chose wisely and didn't get fries or a soda and did get a serving of apples. (It was also mondo-cheap, $2)

I still haven't had a chance to get to the gym, insert frowny face. But, since I was in class today and will be again tomorrow, the stairs I have to walk will count for a little.

So, almost a full week back on WW and still going strong.

Yay me!

First Test - Lunch and Dinner Out

I would have to say I think I passed today's tests with flying colors.

First, I went to WW and was pleasantly surprised to learn I'd only gained 7 pounds over the 2 months I gave up on WW. I think it was a lot worse than that, but in the 2 or so weeks before hitting it hard again, I was able to lose some of it plus a lot of water weight. So, I only need to lose 7 pounds to get below flying weight.

Second, I was out and about with the kids all day and didn't plan well. I got super hungry right around lunch and I had promised the kids McDonalds for lunch. So, I got them their Happy Meals (I substitute apples for fries for them, BTW) and I chose a McDouble and a large, unsweetened, Iced Tea. Yes, the sandwich was 10 points, but I stayed away from ordering fries or a soda. Later that day, I got tasty treats for them and was able to control myself from eating more than a 1/2 cup of Moose Munch. So, while we were out and about, I ate 13 points, which isn't bad considering.

Finally, I went to a goodbye dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I drank plenty of water, controlled how many tortilla chips I ate and split chicken fajitas with a friend of mine. So, I am left with 2 points for the day and I am just going to leave it at that.

Lessons learned:

1. I can manage to eat out at all the bad places and still stay on plan and target.
2. I can allow myself to have a tasty treat as long as I control portion sizes.
3. I can go out to eat and have a delicious meal, still feel satisfied and stay under daily target.
4. I need to plan days like this and pack extra water and snacks for me and the kids, and I need to eat more veggies on days like this.

Remotivation is nice. I want to get to my goal weight this go around and just stay there instead of the past year of weight loss waxes and wanes. And, I can do it. (With a little help from my friends) And you know who you are!!!

Spin Class

I went to spin class this morning. Last spin class I went to, the instructor advised that we should drink 40 oz of water before class and at least that during and after. Wow, that is a lot of water. So, before class, I drank 24 oz. When I got to class and got going I realized that it was pretty hot in the room where we were spinning. The combination of the heat and all the fluid I drank caused me to do something that I don't think I've ever done before. I had sweat dripping off my fingertips and off the tip of my nose. I couldn't believe it, I usually don't sweat like that.

I am a little nervous. I am heading back to WW meetings for the first time in 2 months. I know I have gained in those 2 months, but I am hoping that I am down from when we got home from our trip. I feel pretty good about how I have been eating. I have been drinking all my water and eating all the vegetables. I am also avoiding white breads and other foods like that. I won't cut them completely out, but I am trying to avoid eating as much of them as I used to. Maybe that will help lose this weight.

I'll post more when I get back from the meeting.

Day 2

I have caught myself several times today putting food into my mouth without thinking about it. And, I spit it out if it wasn't good for me or if I wasn't hungry. I'll admit thought that I did snack on a bunch of veggies today, but that is because I made homemade salsa and kept popping tomatoes and peppers. Does anyone know the difference between a jalapeno and a chili pepper? They both tasted pretty darn hot to me. Also, what is the difference between pico de gallo and salsa? Because, before I cooked the salsa to get it ready to can, it sure tasted a lot like pico and my husband loved it so much he wants me to make it more often. BTW - I canned 5 pints of salsa today. The fat- free homemade yumminess!

I've been so busy with work and so has my husband that I haven't been able to get to the gym like I wanted to. And, we are pinching pennies, so I don't want to have to pay babysitters (even if they were available, but school is back in session).

I am still panicking that I won't lose weight, even though it has only been 2 days. But, my motivation feels awesome, like when I first started a year ago. What is it about September that gets me motivated to lose weight? I also, finally, sent in the application to insurance to start the reimbursement plan again. I don't know why I procrastinated so much, but I sent it in. Once I get the go ahead to start the program, I have to go to a WW meeting every week or I don't get my money back.

New Motivation

It has been a hard couple of weeks. I haven't been sticking to WW perfectly, but I am proud to say that I've lost 2.6 pounds since I last weighed in. Of course, it is 2 totally different scales, but this one is at the doctor's office. But, I am still down and that is a good thing.

I have 13 more pounds to go then I'll be at my lowest since starting WW. And, with my new motivation, it shouldn't be hard to get there now. You see, my dream job just posted an opening. It is working as a flight paramedic on a helicopter. The problem is is that I am 10 pounds over-weight. But, since I just submitted my application today, I am hoping it will take a few weeks before I have to do their physical and get weighed in.

So, I am on the super-eating-healthy kick and the super-tracking kick. I did very well today and will continue to do well. As I told someone today, I am great at maintaining. I just hit plateaus and they suck. I spoke with my PA today and we discussed plateaus. It seems I hit my set point and in order to get below that set point, I need to decrease my food even more, increase activity and try to shock my body into losing more weight. So, I have decided to cut down on the carbs, limit the amount of rice, bread and potatoes. I am not saying cut carbs out completely, but limit them and see what happens. So, here is hoping that this works.

So, if you are reading this, please send a prayer. I am really, really, really hoping this is what God wants for me, since my last 2 attempts at finding a job were disappointingly unsuccessful.

What to Do

I am trying to make a decision. I have an opportunity to start attending a WW meeting in my home town. It is Thursdays at 3:45 p.m. My neighbor goes to it and  I think having someone at the meeting, making sure I attend would help. The only problem is that this meeting doesn't accept the monthly pass that I am paying for. She will allow paying for 12 weeks at a time which is approximately the same money that I am paying for monthly pass now. If I stop paying for the monthly pass and decide that these Thursdays don't work, then I will have to go back to monthly pass at a higher rate. Her pass is accepted elsewhere, but not vice versa.

I also signed up for a 5k run in October. I figure it is good motivation to keep me out and running. It's only a 5k but I want to get done in under an hour. That is my goal.

How has the week been going? Meh. I am not gaining anymore, but I don't know if I am losing. I haven't made it back to a WW meeting to get the official weigh in. But, I know I am down from when I got back from the trip.

So, here is to, hopefully, a good day.

We Remember

Today is not a day about me. Today is not a day to whine, cry or moan about my struggles with weight loss and emotional eating.

Today is to remember and reflect on the brave souls who answered the call. Who went into those towers knowing they wouldn't come home. To the 343 (Firefighters), the 72 (Law Enforcement) and the 42 (paramedics and EMTs), I salute you.

To the Ground Zero workers who searched and now suffer ill effects, I pray for your recovery and salute you for your sacrifice.

I pray for all souls lost that day.

We are a nation of freedoms, and freedom isn't free. Thank you to our service men and women who protect our rights and serve our nation. May you rest in peace, those that have lost their lives in defense of our freedoms.

I remember, not just on the anniversaries, but every day. I live my life to the fullest. I remember to  say "I love you" everyday, because those might be the last words I say to my loved one.

I remember.....

Emotional Eating

So, Tuesday night I gave into emotional eating and ate microwave popcorn and drank some wine. I learned something that night though. Alcohol decreases inhibition, that we all learned in high school sex ed. But, it also decreases my ability to make good food choices. I don't think I would have eaten all that high-sodium, high-fat popcorn if I hadn't had a couple glasses of wine.

The good news is that Wednesday I did 35 minutes on the elliptical at the gym. I am going to the gym today to do another work-out, this time I want to do both cardio and weight training. I did eat a few things that aren't exactly the healthiest (like fig newtons) but I did limit the portion sizes and didn't eat the whole box. I also drank all my water.

I haven't decided if I am going to WW tonight or on Saturday morning. But, I am definitely going, despite having to see exactly how much I gained since July 23rd.

Yuck.

Feel pretty good

I have been making some pretty good choices the past few days, despite the horrendous stress I am feeling. I am choosing not to eat emotionally, or to drown my sorrows in a tub of frosting. I don't know how long this can last, but I hope it will be for a while.

Back home and making the change

We got home last night after an exhausting and stressful trip to Montana to visit family. Visiting the family was fun, but stress and drama did not make for the best trip.

I ate like total crap, didn't work out once and now I am paying the price. I stepped on the scale this morning and was shocked at what it said. I have some ground to make up.

And, instead of talking about going back on plan, etc, I've decided to take a different approach. I have to change the way I eat and why I eat. I know I am an emotional eater and use that as an excuse and a crutch. So, as of today, I am working to find different ways to cope with my emotional stress and eating habits. It will be work, I will fail but I will persevere. The only way to keep this weight off is to change.

Taking a Break

I am sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't felt motivated to blog, and I haven't had a lot of free time to spend on the computer. I have yet to figure out how to blog from my phone.

I have decided to take a break until we get back from Montana in early September. That doesn't mean I am going to go back to the way I was eating, I am still going to make healthier choices, drink water and exercise, but going to meetings and logging food are out until I get back.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to lose weight, but I have found that I am too stressing way too much on the yo-yo I am on right now. I have been at this almost a year and the past 6 months haven't been very successful except at maintaining.

Will I still blog? I am going to try.

We get back after labor day and that is when I am going to start again. I did this last year before I started WW, and it worked. I am going to do the same thing, and maybe I'll lose the last 40 pounds.

A Letter to My Friends

To My Mommy, My Dear Hubby (whom I doubt will read this) My Beautiful Friend (the one who gets lost in the woods) and my WW Buddy and all others whom share this journey with me:


I am not a wordsmith, so I had scour the web for some quotes that let me somehow transfer my gratitude for you into words. Thank you so much for being there.


Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours. - Ludwig Van Beethoven

Friendships are fragile things and require as much care in handling as any other fragile and precious thing. - Randolph S. Bourne

What is a Friend? I will tell you. It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself. - Frank Crane

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. 

The important thing is to make it meaningful: 

a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day. - Dalai Lama

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive. - Anais Nin

The friends who grew up with you deserve a special respect. The ones who stuck by you shoulder to shoulder, in a time where nothing was certain, all life lay ahead, and every road led home. - The Wonder Years

At home one relies on parents; away from home one relies on friends. - Chinese Proverb

Cherish your human connections: your relationships with friends and family. - Barbara Bush

Memories last forever, never do they die, Friends stick together and never really say Goodbye - Ralph Waldo Emerson

We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. - Thucydides

A faithful friend is the medicine of life. - Apocrypha

It is great to have friends when one is young, but indeed it is still more so when you are getting old. When we are young, friends are like everything else a matter of course. In the old days we know what it means to have them. - Edvard Grieg

The light of friendship is like light of phosphorus, seen plainest when all around is dark. - Crowell

Friendship is a treasure that always help us overcome any kind of difficulty, Friendship is a comfort for, somehow which always understand worries and emotions, Friendship is a blessing because it teaches the way to live. - Unknown

You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you. - Ann Landers

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. - Erich Segal

True Friendship never dies A true friend is there always Through good times and bad Through sorrow and grief A true friend will never walk away They are here to stay They are heaven sent from above God's Special Angels full of love And such Grace, You will know Them from the smiles upon their face. Sent to you from the Lord God above! - Karen Sue Magee

Friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine. - Thomas Jefferson

If you go looking for a friend, you're going to find they're very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere. - Zig Ziglar

Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself — and especially to feel. Or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to — letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending — performing. You get to love your pretense. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act — and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image — they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it — they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession. - Jim Morrison

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor to measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away. - George Elliot

The only service a friend can really render is to keep your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself. - George Bernard Shaw

If we would build on a sure foundation in friendship, we must love friends for their sake rather than for our own. - Bronte Charlotte

...as we bend with the wind, and change with the times... We will always have our friendship. - Unknown

Volunteers are caring friends - Don Williams

To betray a friend is worse than to be betrayed by one. - Unknown

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit. - Aristotle

A faithful friend is a strong defense: and he that hath found such an one hath found a treasure. - Ecclesiasticus 6:14

Trying to work out and it's not working out

I am on shift at Molalla today. I am trying to be good and work out. But, twice now, when I've gone to the gym, I get a call. WTH! I have the desire to workout, but now, not the time. Usually, it is the other way around. Grr.

Again

Again, I am trying. I am struggling, but I am hanging in there. I had all the greatest intentions in the world to wake up early this morning and go to the gym. I even asked hubby to wake me up with him, so I could go when he was getting ready for work and be back by the time he had to leave. That was until my daughter decided to not sleep very well. Poor girl had a nightmare and screamed for mommy. It was such a heart-breaking sound. We ended up on the couch from 1030 to 3:30, when I put her back to bed and she finally slept. I, however, did not get back to sleep very well.

I did, however, bring workout clothes to Molalla with me so that I can work out while I am on shift. I am going to try to run for 60 min today. (Well, 2 min increments - walk 2, jog 2) so that I can get a lot of activity points. I am in the negative for weekly points right now and want to earn some back. I also packed lunch and dinner and healthy snacks. (Unfortunately, some snacks I bought thinking they were healthy were really 3 points. It just goes to show you that if something tastes good it has a lot of points.)

I constantly have a dialogue with myself regarding eating. I crave certain foods and I have to struggle with myself to say, hey, if you want that helicopter job, you need to lose some more weight. I have to remind myself that I am not happy with the weight I am at, and want to lose at least 20 more. I really doubt I am going to get to my ultimate weight, even though I will try. Lately, for the most part, I have been winning my debates. But, when I don't, I truly screw up.

Not to transfer blame, but I was doing so much better on the old system. That old system, I could eat like I was used to, just much less and lose the weight. This new system forces you to eat in a way that I am not happy with and frankly doesn't fit my lifestyle. I wish I hadn't gotten rid of my old calculator and the old stuff. If I could find all that old stuff, and maybe an old on-line tracker, I could go back to that and see if I started losing weight again.

Well, this has been a long blog but has been very cathartic. My goal is to blog at least once a day, maybe more.

Now - here is a favor for all of you who read this. Please leave a comment for me, especially when I haven't blogged in a day or so. By commenting and nagging me that I haven't blogged in a while, will hopefully encourage me to blog more. And since I seem to do better when I blog more, maybe I'll finally start losing weight.

Thanks!

Oh goodness

I stopped tracking for a few days and just now entered in what I could remember eating. Oh My Goodness did I screw up. I have 1 weekly point left (that will probably be taken up by something I know I've forgotten to track).

Now I know why my scale says what it does. If I keep eating like I am, I am quickly going to gain back everything I've lost. I am mad at myself, but hopefully I will use this to make up for lost ground. It is only Wednesday and I don't have weigh-in til Saturday.

Can I salvage this week? Well, I am going to the gym tonight to help earn back some weeklys. I am going to keep gum in my mouth and water in my bottle and try really, really hard.

I can't go back to what I weighed, I can't!

A Journey filled with Hills

So, yesterday, I woke up early and went to the gym. I felt better and when I got home, I ate a healthy breakfast.
We decided to go for a drive, and instead of buying our lunches, I packed a picnic lunch for us, which included a salad for me. Good choices so far.

We did our drive, then went to Daves Famous BBQ for dinner. I could have made wiser choices, but I didn't. But, because I made wiser choices during the day, I only went over my daily points by 9. I chose not to have a glass of wine last night. So, now, in keeping with my goal of completing the week with all my WP left over, I will have to earn 9 exercise points today. Not quite sure how I am going to do that, since I am on shift at CAMS in Portland. Maybe I can walk up and down the block.

I bought healthy sandwiches for lunch, and also bought salads. I don't know if this internal motivation has restarted, but I definitely need to keep on track with it.

?

No matter what I seem to do, I can't seem to stay motivated. I have tried many different external motivations since my internal motivation has seemed to tank, for the past 8 months. Sigh.

What am I going to do? I am not happy with where I am. Even though I am still wavering around the 40 pound loss mark, I feel fat and uncomfortable again, like I did when I had the extra weight on. I no longer feel good about my weight loss and how I look. I am dissatisfied with my progress. I don't want to give up, but how can I justify the $40 month for WW.

Yesterday, I went to the state paramedic exam where I ran into 2 ladies that have weight problems as well. One lady lost 115 lbs over 2 years and looks awesome. She said that she has 20 lbs to go. The other lady lost 30 and has plateau'd for a year. Ugh, I want to be like the first and not like the latter.

I am just frustrated.

On a positive note, I went to the gym this morning. Got a workout in, it wasn't the hardest or longest, but at least I did it. 20 min on the elliptical, 20 min of weight lifting and 20 min of walking (I walked to the gym and back). I also ate a healthy breakfast and am going to limit my fruit intake to 2 servings. The rest will have to be veggies.

I also am trying something new with tracking. Instead of my using weekly points, I am going to use my activity points first. My goal will be to try to keep all my weekly points and spend only my activity points. It seemed to work for today. Last night I said I could have a glass of wine if I woke up early and went to the gym. Well, that is what I did.

Until the next time, which hopefully will be tomorrow.

New Challenge

WOW - I lost 3.2 pounds last week!!!!!! I am 99% sure it was all water weight because Aunt Flo was in town at the last weigh-in. But, it goes to show that I did eat better, not ideally, but better.

I got to thinking about accountability and other things to help motivate me to lose weight. I realized that holding myself accountable is pretty dang hard and need an outside source to keep it going. And, an indefinite time period for the hostage dress accountability trial hasn't much helped.

After Thursday's meeting, Sandy and I brainstormed a new idea. We both agreed that we needed a short-duration challenge. And we both agreed it could not be scale based because of our 2 totally different body types. WW has check-offs your supposed to get called good health guidelines. When you meet your guidelines, you are awarded a smiley face in that category. Sandy I agreed on a challenge. The person who gets the most number of smiley-faces in a 2 week period wins a pedicure. Short, definite, with a goal in mind. By eating the guidelines, hopefully that will spur us into eating better and thus losing weight.

Part of the guidelines is to get physical activity everyday. I am going to have trouble with that one. I am more active than I used to be, that is for sure. I have a gym membership, that when I am not working 16 hour days, I do like to go to. I worked out Thursday evening and did weight lifting like my trainer advised. Saturday morning, I am still feeling the pain.....I definitely worked the muscles. So, here is a question, when I get home from work, should I go work out even though my muscles are still sore?

I am on shift at CAMS in Portland. Everything is going very well, and they may be shutting down hyperbaric operations within the week. DANG! I want to work some more because the money is freakin' awesome. They don't have another contract yet. It is going to be one of those feast-or-famine jobs. But, I will take the money while I can get it.

Later taters

Paper vs Computer Tracking

I decided to try something new on the last weigh in. I bought the ultimate 3 month tracker and wanted to try paper tracking. Well, I tried it, I tracked okay on it, but I really suck at it. I don't like having to wait to look something up on the computer or my phone, then having to transfer it back to paper.

I have tracked better, so maybe I will do a hybrid. I will use the paper when I don't have time to enter everything into the computer. The phone app sucks, so I don't like to add it that way.

How am I doing? Pretty well. I haven't had a chance to get a work out in since last Thursday. I simply haven't had time, or babysitters. This isn't an excuse, I truly didn't have the time. I miss it, and I am itching to get back to Zumba. Eating better has gone better. I've made wiser choices, bought a salad and fat free dressing for dinner. I only ate 1 cookie at lunch.

Well, I'm on shift and I better go get some sleep while I can.

Accountability

Ever since I finished the WW reimbursement program from my insurance I have had a total lack of accountability. I don't want to go, I don't want to know that I gained weight, I forgot (conveniently), I overslept. I figured out I needed someone to keep me accountable, to ask, how did you do today? To ask me if I chose wisely, remind me why I want to lose weight.

I have some external motivation, the helicopter job. I also have a new job that is on a construction site. I can only eat the food I bring because there is nothing around. But, all I do is sit around, because we are the stand by crew. BTW  I am getting paid a RIDICULOUS amount to sit here and type. I do honest work, for all of 20 minutes at a time. Saturdays are time and a half and Sundays are double-time.

Anyway, I digress. I need a WW Nazi for a while to keep me on track until my insurance accountability stuff kicks in again. Anyone want to be that person?

External Motivation, Part 2

Today I did something to help with motivation. I took a stack of 3 X 5 cards and on the top I wrote "Motivation Card" and on each card I wrote a phrase or a reason to keep me motivated. The first one that I wrote was, "Failed Mac Fire physical agility - TWICE!" I only have 2 or 3 right now, but I intend to carry some with me, blank and filled out, to help me with my motivation.

So, how did today go? It went alright. I chose wisely, avoided some temptation, was tempted by some Milano Strawberry cookies and some Red Velvet cake, but, you know what, I ate them in moderation, and had the points left over to account for all of it without getting into my weekly points. I drank all my water, and even though I didn't exercise, cleaning house and breaking a sweat was good for me. Julie and I also went to the pool for another swim lesson, so that is more activity (even though I don't count those as points.)

My parents come into town tomorrow, on their 43rd anniversary. They want to go to Outback, so I am going to be smart. I am going to drink all my water before I go, snack on some veggies in the car on the way and order a salad, steak and veggies. I'm preplanning my attack, so I won't be overly tempted (even though a bloomin onion is FABULOUS!)

Well, it's time for me to turn in. Night all.

External Motivation

I realize it's been a while since I last posted. To be truthful, I just didn't have it in me to continue tracking, working out, or even caring since I failed the physical agility. It just didn't seem worth it. Add to that, company coming into town, Father's day, my husband's birthday (I love me some Red Velvet Cake!). I just totally stopped caring.

Until today, maybe it is external motivation, but I heard a rumor that my dream job may have a Part-Time openings soon. Being a Flight Paramedic has always been something I've wanted to do, but my weight the past few years made it impossible. Now, I am within their weight restrictions, but just, just barely. So, my external motivation is to lose as much as possible before that rumored opening gets posted.

Yes, it is external motivation, but motivation is motivation and I'll take whatever I can to get back on track.

Ups and Downs

I last posted about my physical agility. I failed it. I realized that though I may have lost 40 pounds and am more physically fit than I was a year ago, I haven't been doing the right kind of fitness training for the fire department. I have been doing cardio with very little weight lifting. So, the heavy objects I had to lift and manipulate slowed me down enough that I missed time by 21 seconds.

I was pretty down about it, but then I was hit with another blow on that day. A police detective called me and wanted me to make a statement regarding a crime that happened to me over 20 years ago. I decided that since it was already a bad day, I might as well get it over with. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to make the statement, I just didn't want to relive it again, but it will help a current investigation against the same person.

These 2 things messed me up pretty bad emotionally. I tried to stay on plan, but didn't do very well.

So, those were the downs.

The ups - I finished the half-marathon!!!!!!!!! I walked 13.1 miles at a 17 min/mile pace with my friend and neighbor Darlene. I will admit the last 2 miles sucked the worst, but I RAN across the finish line! I am so proud of my medal, the fact that I did it and the support of my family. When I got home I had 2 balloons, flowers and a piece of cake waiting for me. Yes, I know I am not supposed to celebrate with food, but I just walked 13.1 miles, I think I earned it....

The downside about walking a half-marathon is that I can barely move today. My hips and feet are so sore. I am walking like a very old woman. My feet are blistered, I didn't even like having a sheet on them last night.

I am back on plan this morning, well, at least I am back tracking this morning. What will the weigh in bring on Thursday, I don't know. But, I will work really hard this week.

STRESS

I have a physical agility test coming up tomorrow for a fire department. If I pass that I have to take a written exam. I failed the physical agility last year by 2 seconds and now I am so stressed about it, I am having headaches, anxiety and all that fun emotional stuff that goes with it. I haven't been able to sleep and top it off with PMS and it is a recipe for disaster, which my diet has been. I have been getting plenty of physical activity in, I walked 6 miles on Friday night for Relay for Life and I worked all day out in the garden yesterday, lifting, digging, planting and all that fun stuff. But, I haven't been tracking and that is what I desperately need to do in order to lose weight.

I just want tomorrow to be over with. I want to pass the physical agility. Right now, I don't care if I get the job, I just don't want to fail it again.

So, I don't know when I am going to blog again. I hope it will be good news tomorrow.

I dunno

After last week, I don't know how I managed to lose 0.6 of a pound, but I did. What is really strange, is even that little loss when I was expecting a gain, is motivating. I wish I had found out earlier in the day, then my day wouldn't have been that crappy.

But the good thing is I feel motivated and positive. I have a VERY busy and HECTIC week coming up. I walk for Relay for Life tomorrow night, lab final for my students on Saturday, then on Tuesday, I take a physical agility and a written test for a new job I am applying for. Cap that all off, next Saturday, I walk in the Helvetia Half.

So please forgive me that this post wasn't longer, or that I may not post much in the next week or so.

Wish me luck in all my endeavors!

Eating Healthy

I would love to post that I've made good decisions this week. I haven't.
I would love to post that I've been out exercising and jogging. I haven't.
I would love to post that I still have a good momentum going. I don't.
I would love to post that I am happy about all of the above. I am not.
The weather is like my mood.
Sometimes long journeys suck.

Well Shucks!

After what I thought was a pretty good week, not great or spectacular, but not horrible, I stayed exactly the same. I am happy that it wasn't a gain, but I thought I worked hard enough at least for a loss.

The meeting was really important to me for another reason. I got my 5K charm! I walked it and I got it. The challenge was good for me, because is it got me moving more than anything else had. I even signed up for the Helvetia Half.

So, yesterday I was a little bummed when I got home, plus it was a super busy day, I was tired and hungry. I was not smart and decided to have a hamburger for dinner. It wasn't the lowest point meal I've eaten but it did taste so good! I have been on this craving for cheeseburgers lately, I don't know why. But, I tracked it all honestly.

Today was going to be a good day. Unfortunately, I found some cookie dough and made cookies for me and the kids. And I lost control again over cookies. It will need to be healthy choices for the rest of the day, plus, hopefully, alot of activity. I really need to get out and start jogging again.

sigh.

Weight Watchers Walk-It Challenge

I forgot to mention something in my last post. May 22nd was WW Walk-It Challenge. For those that don't know, WW challenged all it's members to start walking and on May 22nd, walk a 5k.

Well, yesterday, without remembering that it was the 5k challenge, I walked over 5 miles in preparation for the Helvetia Half. So, I definitely earned my star!

What a day, :-(

I am proud of myself this week and especially today. I have been eating so much better. I haven't exercised as much as I have wanted, but I have also been very busy and can't get out away like I want to, and I've been feeling it.

I am very proud of myself today for a few reasons. First, I walked for an hour and 40 minutes, which at my walking pace is around 5 or so miles. I drank all my water and ate a really good dinner. I got all my veggies, dairy and fruit in. I skipped lunch (I was out walking, so I had linner instead).

What I am most proud of, is that when today turned into a total effing nightmare, I didn't resort to food to make me feel better. I was called home from my shift on the medic because of a demon-child. I got home and had to drop a hebrew hammer and take control of an out-of-control situation. Once the demons were asleep in bed, I relaxed. Normally, after a day like this, I couldn't find enough food to try to calm myself and relax myself. Tonight, I recognized it, knew I worked really hard today and didn't want to jeopardize or ruin those points I earned. So, I carefully chose a snack that I had enough points left over and avoided all my other inappropriate coping mechanisms.

So, here it is at midnight, I don't want to go to sleep, because that will bring the morning and the end to this peaceful night too soon. But, tomorrow, I am going out for another walk, because I think the endorphins from today's walk is what kept me sane and on the bandwagon.

Almost

Well, I only have 2 pounds to go before I am down to my lowest on WW. Yay! also Boo! for taking 3 months to waiver up and down and up and down.

I am very happy to report that I lost 4.4 pounds this week, after a 2 week gain totalling 5 pounds. I credit eating better and earning 30 exercise points to that total. I am all fired to keep going, because I really want those 2 pounds next week. Am I gonna earn them? I am going to try, but it is a very, very, very long weekend ahead of me and I will do my best, of that I am sure.

What I really wanted to blog about was something that happened Tuesday night. I was getting ready to go jog/walk. My son got a 2 hour nap and he was not sleepy by any stretch of the imagination. Now, I usually jog/walk after they go to bed around 8 p.m. He was still wide awake. He said he wanted to come with me. I thought, sure, why not, get him used to working out early (he's only 4). We got our shoes on and got ready to go. Damned if that kid didn't keep my pace for 1/2 mile. Not bad for a 4 year old. The next 1/2 mile we walked, held hands and talked. When we made the turn for home, I noticed that he was truly falling behind. I asked him if he wanted me to carry him, he said, yes, please. I hoisted his 42 pound frame onto my back and started walking. On a lark, I decided to try an jog with him on my back.

EPIPHANY!!!!!!!!!!

He weighs what I have lost. I was now trying to jog with an additional 42 pounds on my back and I couldn't, couldn't believe how awful that felt. It is no wonder that I felt like a lumbering cow. I carried him the 1/2 mile home and was sweating up a storm. I got home with this feeling of awe and amazement. First, my son jogged that far and second, I used to weigh that much and now I am jogging.

What am I going to feel like when I lose another 20 pounds or so? How easy will it be for me to jog and work out then?

It's been a week since my last re-motivation shpiel and I am still doing well.

I want my 2 pounds next week!

Jogging

I hate jogging, I really, really do. So, tonight, knowing I needed to get some exercise in, I told myself that if I jogged the complete 1.6 mile route without stopping, then I only had to do 1 lap. I jogged for 1.6 miles in 24 minutes. WooooooHOOOOOOOO!

Sheepishly, I admit that I celebrated with a glass of wine and a half a Gourmet Hamburger. What a way to sabotage the exercise points I just earned. Oh, well. I still am doing okay for the week. I have 11 weekly points left, but a whopping 25 exercise points. WootWoot!!!

Yesterday, not so good, but still on plan

So, yesterday, I didn't have to work but my husband did. For those that don't know, my husband works 24 hours on, 48 hours off as a firefighter/paramedic.

So, we're hanging out at the house, I was doing laundry, the kids were playing. I ate very well for breakfast and tried to drink my water. But, some sort of evil started permeating my house, because my son turned into a defiant, spiteful little BLEEP who delighted in throwing things at me and his sister. When I took away those things, he threw temper tantrums. UGH! Once again, I try not to blog about my family, but when the kids turn into little evils, I sometimes can't help resorting to eating to make me feel better. It is a bad habit, and one I truly am working on breaking.

Well, anyway, I decided I wanted to make Gourmet Hamburgers, which is a homemade bread recipe wrapped around small hamburger (I used 93/7 turkey) with cheese and cream of whatever soup, then baked. Honestly, it is only 9 points for one. But, while I was making them, I snacked and snacked and snacked. I had a glass or 2 of wine. The point of this is - I didn't eat great, didn't eat all my veggies, or water, etc.

The good of the day is that I tracked every bite. Yes, I ate more than I wanted to, but I am still on plan. So this means that I am learning that if I have a bad day, I can still have a bad day and still be on plan.

Today has been much better. I have eaten 1 1/2 of those delicious Gourmet Hamburgers, but I have tempered it with a lot of water and veggies and fruit. I have to teach tonight, but when I get home, I am putting on my walking shoes and heading out for 1 hour and 10 minutes of walking.

It's weird, but I am sort of looking forward to Thursday, because I know I have lost weight. Even my schizophrenic scale has consistently shown that I am down from what I was last Thursday.

So, tomorrow, we are going to Springfield to the new Cabela's. That means we will be eating on the road. As such, I am pre-planning with packing fruit and veggies and water. I may not blog tomorrow, but I'll let you know how it goes.

BTW -

Sandy, self-sabotage is what I call my rebellion. If it helps, rebel for a little bit, then get re-motivated. I think my little rebellion worked for me, so far. <<HUGS>>

Nathan - thanks, cousin, for flying across the country with me to walk a half-marathon!

Thalassa and Bernie - drop me a line and let me know how you are doing

Helvetia Half Marathon

WTF did I do? I signed up for the Helvetia Half Marathon on June 11th! 13.1 miles of up and down terrain in beautiful Hillsboro Oregon. Am I ready for this, no. Am I scared, oh hells yeah! But I am going to do it anyway. I am going to jog what I can, walk what I can't and complete it all. I will get that medal and I will hang it on my love me wall to say, yes, I can do it.

Remotivation

In my last post I talked about taking time off of WW because I was burnt out. It was a controversial decision, but one I thought was the best for me. I had no motivation to track, all I wanted was everything that was bad for me. I felt like I was a teenager wanting to rebel against the rules. So, I did. I rebelled. And yes, I know, I have to pay the consequences.

Along with the rebellion came a sense of freedom. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, I didn't worry about tracking and tried not to give a damn about what I was eating. For 3 whole days I had that freedom back and it felt wonderful, at first. It felt wonderful for about a day and a half. You see, I had a bellyache almost the entire time, I was thirsty, cranky (my poor children didn't know what evil person came to live with them) and all around in a generally bad mood. So, bad food and a raging case of PMS did not make a happy Jenn.

Here's when I started to turn the corner and realize that the food was making me miserable. It was on my final day of "freedom" Wednesday. I ate lunch at Burger King, and I got one of the worst meals for you. It was their A-1 Steak Burger, onion rings and and a leaded coke. The first few bites tasted so good. And, instead of being a smart person, I decided that I was going to finish the entire meal. I did and I was miserable, I was so miserable I felt like I was going to puke. It took me about 45 minutes to overcome that sensation. Because it was a long day, and I had to teach class that night, I decided that I was going to eat out for dinner, and had a Big Mac Meal. Now, by this time it was 6 hours after my BK experience and I still hadn't fully recovered. So, why did I eat both meals? Because I wanted to remember just how badly that type of food makes me feel. Because I wanted to remember the pain, the bloating, the greasy skin, the bad mood, everything.

I am not proud of what I ate. But, I am thankful for the learning experience that it taught me. I needed that break to remember why I started on the WW journey, that I didn't want to go back to that lifestyle of eating like that all the time. I needed to remember that eating like that causes me to be cranky, fat, lazy and just an overall unhappy person.

What was the damage done for those 2 weeks and especially the last 3 days. I am not proud of this either, but I gained 5.2 pounds. I am sure most of it will come off quickly because my period is almost over and I am no longer retaining water like a sponge.

Weigh-in was not a happy experience. I had to bring the kids with me because of a poor decision making on my part (I knew I should have gone grocery shopping earlier in the day, by the time we were done, it was almost time for the meeting to start). It was over-crowded and I didn't get to weigh in until after the meeting was over. By that time my kids were, well, let's just say that we were all on each other's nerves and leave it at that, hmmmm? Then, the receptionist who did my weigh-in said, "Oh, but you were doing so well." I don't know if it was my crankiness but that statement really, really, really rubbed me the wrong way. I know I had done well previous to this week, I was off plan for only 2 weeks, it was only 5 pounds, and I came back instead of giving up! I normally don't go to this receptionist, but I needed to get weighed in and get the heck out of there.

So, it's Friday and I have faithfully tracked for 2 days now. I have chosen healthier options, I went grocery shopping and got quick and easy and healthy meals for myself. I am choosing water over soda and fruit and low-fat cheese as snacks instead of chocolate. And, today, I walked 2.5 miles (of which, I jogged 15 minutes of it)

My goal is to lose the 6.4 pounds I gained by Memorial day. I know I can do it. Why did I choose that number? That is the lowest I've weighed while on plan. If I keep up this exercise, eating healthy, I know I can do it. And maybe, just maybe get my hostage dress back before the summer is over!

Taking a Break

I am burnt out. Burnt out of teaching, burnt out of being a mom, burnt out of dieting, burnt out of worrying.

So, maybe this is a cop out, maybe this is me giving up, but I need a break. I am not going to take the summer off, or the month off, but I am going to take the rest of my WW week off. I am not tracking and not worrying until Thursday morning. I will try to choose healthier choices, but I am going to enjoy the food choices I make and not worry about the points values.

Thursday morning, I will track again, I will drink all my water, I will exercise (well, I think I will keep up with that). I know I am going to gain, but I am so tired of "dieting" and not succeeding right now, I want a break.

Is this a good idea? I don't know. But, I am going to try it and see.

Fallin

I am tired of falling. Falling off the bandwagon, falling off plan, falling, falling, falling, because falling means gaining, gaining, gaining.

I was so planning on being good this week, but I just don't have the motivation. Mother's Day Brunch I totally overdid the desserts. This morning, I can't stop eating again. I want everything under the sun, but nothing tastes good. Plus, I am in a funk again. I was in a funk last week, yesterday was so much fun but I am in a funk again this morning.

I have a lot of work to do today, maybe if I stay away from the kitchen and try to get my work done, I'll feel better.

I also need to go out and exercise, maybe it's because of the lack of endorphins. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

No Weigh-In until Saturday

I'd like to report that I went to weigh-in tonight but I decided to have a family day instead. I took the kids out for the day then got home, picked up hubby and went to dinner. I really didn't want to go tonight anyway because I knew it was going to be a gain. So, I'll go on Saturday to try to salvage the last week.

I've been doing okay, not the best. But, I am happy to report that my exercise is getting better. On my last post, I blogged that I jogged/walked 3.5 miles. I was sore for a few days and didn't want to push it. But, tonight, knowing that I needed to get my 3 exercises in per week, I decided to go out. And I am glad I did.

I did something tonight that I haven't done, probably since 2003. I actually jogged a full mile today without stopping. I also did the mile in 15 minutes. I know that there are joggers and runners out there who laugh at the time, but since I've never been a good runner/jogger and the fact that I haven't jogged in almost 8 years, I am pretty happy with myself. And, I ran a total of 30 minutes and walked 20 minutes (run 15, walk 3, run10, walk 5, run 2, walk 2, run 3, walk 12).

So, I treated myself with a glass of wine and spent some time on the computer while relaxing.

Here's to working out.

3.5 miles and I am sore

I jogged/walked 3.5  miles yesterday. Today, I am mobile, but that is about all I can say. There is no way I can exercise tonight. I also have a migraine and all I want to do is eat. I am also PMSing.

There, that is my post. I will get 3 posts in this week.

I'm going to bed, hopefully I'll be in a much better mood in the morning.

-49 points

You may wonder what the -49 points is all about. Well, I have had such a bad week that I am 49 points in the hole. I have eaten all of my weekly points and am at a deficit that equals my weekly allowance. The only way to salvage this week is if I exercise 49 points worth AND not overeat.

It all started out with going to dinner with my dear husband. We went to Outback Steakhouse and ate an awesome meal (can we say 80 point day). Saturday I did okay, but the night turned really shitty because of a certain 4 y.o that will remain anonymous. Coping mechanism = food and wine. Sunday, dear husband brought home extra-crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken, then I drove my mom to the airport, eating McDonald's on the way home. I hadn't entered anything since Saturday night, so I didn't know how far in the hole I was.

Sunday night I was all set to go work out. But a certain news conference announcing that a certain effing terrorist was dead brought out the celebratory bottle of champagne. (We had 2 bottles of champagne left over from our wedding that we've just sort of held on to, thinking we'd open them on anniversaries or something like that.) OBL being dead was a good enough celebration, RIP 343, especially Doug Oeschlager and John Napolitano.

Monday, today, my husband was really nice and suggested swimming with the kids. Good amount of exercise, earned back 6 points. We went to Izzy's for lunch and I ate smart, even had a small dessert as well.

Then, I entered in all the food and found out how far in the hole I was. OMG! There is no way I am going to make up this deficit. So, tonight, after I got home from class, I went out for a run. And I did, it was a 61 minutes of 2 minutes fast walking and 2 min jogging. I figured 3.5 miles in 60 minutes wasn't so bad. I earned a total 10 activity points.

So, here I am, 11 o'clock at night, posting and realizing I am going to be one sore person in the morning. I still have 12 points left for the day. I know they won't count to bring down my deficit, but I am not hungry right now and I don't want to eat. I just want another 2 glasses of water.

How will this week go? I have hope that I won't gain, but looking at the numbers, I don't see how that is possible.

Ah, the ramblings of an endorphin high non-jogger

Flare Ups and Other Random Thoughts

I have IBS - that causes my entire GI tract to become swollen, inflamed and generally painful. I also get bloated and fat and constipated for days. If I try to take any remedies (natural and medicines) that move things along, then I am left with even worse cramps and bloating. I have tried changing my diet, going gluten-free, sugar-free and nothing seems to prevent it.

The flare-ups are random and unpredictable. I can eat the worst food imaginable and not have any flares. I can eat the cro-magnon diet of fruits and vegetables and have a bad flare. There seems to be no rhyme or reason.

I am in the middle of a flare now. It started about a week ago and has steadily gotten worse. I think I am finally getting better, but I don't know. The good side is that often I don't feel like eating anything, the bad side is that when I do want to eat, I just want to eat high calorie stuff.

So, I went to weigh-in on Thursday and lost 1.2 pounds. I think the fact that I exercised a lot last week helped. I actually did do 3 good workouts, including a 3.2 mile walk on Wednesday. Yes, 3.2 miles is a 5k and I did it in 48 min, woo hoo for me.

so, I have 1.2 more pounds to go to get rid of the 2.4 pound gain I had last week.

I didn't track well last week, as a matter of fact, I think I stopped for 3 days. Bad Jenn BAD! But, I started again on Thursday, did well in tracking. Friday, I tracked, but hubby and I also had date night at Outback and I had an 81 point day. 81 points, that is over 2 days worth of food. I have 9 points left for the week. I am definitely going to have to work out at lot this week. (And yes, I am feeling the effects of my 81 point dinner, my stomach does hurt)

Well, that is a lot of random thoughts. I am done for now.

2 down, 1 to go - again

Today didn't turn out to be anything like I expected. I expected to get dressed, get the kids up and taken to daycare, go teach PALS, come home and relax until it was time to pick up the kids.

Nope, didn't happen. Oh, I got up, got the kids up and realized both had fevers and were CRANKY. Then, had to call in sick to PALS - which I felt incredibly guilty over since Kathleen called me at home because she didn't get the message, I felt awful because of the tone of her voice said more than she did. Called daycare, another kid was sick with the same thing. Sent a text to John, who only got 3 hours sleep from a really busy shift.

Hung around the house and worked on the RFL quilt and the tumbling blocks quilt. John got home and napped. The kids alternately cuddled then played then cuddled and watched TV. I got out of the house for a little bit so I could get the stuff to finish the quilt and do some grocery shopping.

I got a healthy dinner and, true to form, Jack had a freakin' meltdown. He didn't want to eat, he just wanted to drink his propel. He threw a world-class tantrum which stressed me out to no end, I was ready to eat a tub of frosting at that time. That set the mood for the night, cranky, tired and wild children, cranky and sleep deprived husband and me.

After everyone fell asleep for the night, I put on my work out clothes, my new high-visibility ANSI certified reflexite coated shirt and went for a jog/walk. I ran for 4 1/2 minutes and felt great. Did a lot of walking and hills and wanted to keep going. I kept on thinking I was doing a 16 minute pace again, nope, only an 18. So, I didn't walk as far as I thought I had, only 2.63 miles in 48 minutes. I listened to tunes from my phone and felt wonderful. I was a little disappointed that I was only doing an 18 min pace, and typing up the frustrations for the day is also sort of a downer.

But, I am proud of myself for going out and working out. I know I will feel better about myself. I just hope all this exercise means I'll lose the 2.4 pounds I gained last week.

I Chose Exercise Tonight

I worked out, I mean, I really worked out. I put in a new Leslie Sansone 5 mile Fit and Tone DVD and it kicked my butt, legs, arms, back and core. 

1 down, 2 to go (I hope more, but 3 is the minimum for this week)

2.4 pounds

Well, I knew it was a bad week, but I didn't think it was going to be that bad. I gained 2.4 pounds. I knew I ate like crap I just can't believe how fast I can put weight on and how slowly it comes off. Yesterday after I posted I hit a wall and just started eating crap. I figured that my week was already shot, why not go out with a bang. So, a glass of wine, a bag of popcorn and too many malted milk balls to count.

Today I have been decent, I did drink all my water, and I stayed on plan, even eating Chinese food for dinner. I am in workout clothes, and I am trying to convince myself to work out. I know I'll feel better, I'll feel better about myself, but I also just want to crawl into bed and sleep.

Time to put my big girl panties on.....I'm gonna go work out.

Keep on keeping on

Yesterday wasn't the best day on plan, but I did work out despite the fact that my back hurt. I also did my best to stay on plan, but going to wineries were not exactly on plan. I am still going to try, but I have no hope not to gain weight this week. I am truly still trying and not going to keep on the 2 month back slide. I think I have found the bottom and am working myself back up.

Today, we are going on a hike with the kids, then I hope to go out and take a walk/jog. I will get the 3 workouts in this week, and the blogging, but I will  need to work on tracking next week.

If Sandy will be at the Thursday meeting, I am going to bring her her dress and let her see it and hopefully that will get her back on track, because she has been having some similar issues.

In Trouble

I am in trouble, with myself and with Sandy. I haven't blogged in a while, I haven't had a good workout since last Thursday and I haven't been tracking for the past 2 days. We've had some company in town which has made it difficult to sit down and track and to write a blog. But that is no excuse. Plus, I really haven't felt into it, which is where I was a few weeks ago. Blogging and tracking helped keep me on track, but here I go back sliding again.

But, this back-slide has only been for 2 days, not 2 months. I am blogging today. I am tracking today. I have my walking/jogging shoes on and I am going to work out today. Will it keep me from not gaining weight this week, probably not (Sunday night was a very, very bad night). But, I am not on the 2 month backslide that I was.

I will get my 3 blogs in this week (I just have to blog everyday) and I have to get my 3 workouts in before the meeting on Thursday. (In my defense, I did spend all day Friday walking around Portland, Saturday on my feet at EMT Basic lab, and Sunday, I pulled weeds and gardened for 2 hours)

Here's to a quicker turn-around this time.

And- a shout out to Sandy for a great job finishing her 10K!

2 down, 1 to go

Work outs that is. My challenge for this week was to include everything that we had done in the previous week, which was to blog at least 3 times a week and to track more. I did that last week and I stayed the same. No surprise there, since I was even on points.

This weeks challenge was to exercise 3 times this week. I did a 20 min walk on Friday and I just completed a 32 minute (2.09 mile - thanks to mapmyrun.com) jog/walk. It started out sunny and cool and it turned into rainy and yucky and I was ill-prepared. If I had a jacket on, I probably would have stayed out longer, but truly, I was getting cold. I also jogged for exactly 2 min 30 sec before my legs were to tired and I was breathing too hard. But, you know what, I am damn proud of myself for doing that much. Next time, I will go a little longer, and eventually, I will do the whole thing in a jog.

So, I just need to get 1 more workout in this week and I met my goal. Here's hoping that I lose this week.

Good day, Bad Day, Good Day

That explains how the last 3 days have gone. Friday I was a super-star! I ate healthy, I was faced with serious temptation in the form of a tex-mex potluck at school. I ate the healthy food I brought. When I was finished, instead of staying in the room with all the food, I decided to go for a walk. I walked at a very brisk pace for 20 minutes. Hubby was awesome and cooked me a very healthy meal. Since my back was still pretty painful, I decided to take a muscle relaxer, wrong answer.

Saturday morning hit and I was loopy and exhausted, thanks to the cyclobenzeprine I'd taken the night before. I was so tired and hungry, but nothing seemed to feed the beast. It was like I had fallen back to where I was before. I tried making healthier choices, but I just couldn't stop that beast. I didn't get a workout in like I wanted to, I actually dozed on the couch for 2 hours while my son played nicely and my daughter was asleep, hallelujah!!!!!!

Sunday, I've been an almost superstar. I ate breakfast, drank most of my water. Snacked at lunch, saving the points for the awesome cheeseburger dinner that I had been craving. I finished dinner with 6 points left for the day, which I splurged and had a glass of wine and some potato chips.

My back is still hurting, but I am going to try to get a workout in tomorrow. I did make an effort to get more physically active today. When I was at Salem Hospital for a class I was teaching, I parked in the farthest corner of the parking garage and made myself walk the entire distance to the basement classroom. No muscle relaxer for me, I don't like that feeling of being loopy for almost 48 hours.

So, I am signing off for tonight. Going to go cuddle with my hubby.

Exactly the Same

I weighed in tonight and I stayed exactly the same. That is okay with me. I kept up with what I told Sandy I would do....I tracked everything and that is why I only had 4 weekly points left and I blogged more. I am okay with staying the same.

Sandy and I talked at the meeting, what was this week's challenge. She has to track everything, including her SSEB's and I have to work out 3 times this week. We also signed up for the Weight Watchers Challenge to meet our exercise goal every week for 6 weeks. I think I am also going to find a 5k to train for. That way, I have a reason to work out.

I'm pretty sore, my back hurts. So, I am going to sign off.

Feeling Re-Motivated

I am feeling re-motivated this morning. I am not quite sure why, but it has been a busy morning and haven't been around food. I have been drinking my water (5 8 oz glasses so far) I really need to drink like 10 glasses today because of the salty food I've been eating. Kahlua pork is delicious but itis also very salty. I also brought 2 salads because I need the fiber.

I think it had something to do with the fact that a former student of mine hasn't seen me in months. She looked at me and said "Wow, you look great!" and gave me a hug. Then a coworker also said I looked good.

I feel confident, I feel pretty, I feel skinny!

NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS!!!!

I AM A BELIEVER!

Trying so hard

My motivation is still going okay. Even though I have used most of weekly points this week, I still feel like I have been doing a decent job. The hardest part I have noticed is after everyone has gone to bed, that is when I get hungry and start snacking.

At least I have been honest and truly tracking what I have been eating. I think that is why I am so low on weekly points, is because I have been truly more honest than I have been in a long time about tracking. I haven't been so great on drinking my water. That is going to be my goal tomorrow, is to drink at least 8 glasses of water, if not more.

 

When we got home today from our adventure day, I packed lunch and dinner for tomorrow, since it is going to be such a long and busy day. I packed plenty of fruit, a salad and 2 Smart Ones. 

So, weigh in will be on Thursday. I am hoping for the best.

Old Photos

You never know what you got until it's gone. Well, the same could be said for body image. I grew up thinking I was fat. I was always bigger, taller, stockier than any other girl out there. I was tall, but not twiggy. I wore sizes that most girls laughed at.

Fast forward 20 years (really, 20 years?!!? I don't feel that old!!!!!) and I look back at that girl in the pictures and I want to slap her. I want to tell her, you are skinny, you look awesome!!! Just wait until you have put on 87 pounds, then feel how fat you feel.

What is going to be disappointing is that I am striving to get back to the weight I was in some of these pictures. But, realistically, I know that I am not going to have the same body. My boobs aren't perky anymore, my tummy has stretch marks and rolls, even though there is not as much fat under there, cellulite has attacked my legs and butt, and gravity has given me the beginnings of a waddle and bat-wings. All thanks to years on earth and birthing 2 kids.

But, I vow to myself, when I get back to the weight I was in these pictures, I am not going to call myself fat! I will lament about the toll that time has taken, but I will be so damn proud of myself. I am going to find dresses that make me feel like I did in these pictures and I am going to wear them again.

Do you know when it really hit me that I was middle-aged? I found a friend from college on Facebook. I was so excited, I hadn't seen her in 20 years or so. I was so ready to reconnect. I looked at her profile pic and I thought to myself, "She looks just like Corba did when I was growing up." Corba is a very dear friend of the family, but is my mother's age. That's when it hit me. We are the same age now as what I remember Corba and my mom looking like at middle age, that must mean we ARE middle-aged.

Is there anything I can do now about my mid-life crisis? Nope. I just want to be healthy for my kids so i can enjoy playing with them outside, or at the beach, or anywhere.

Well, I just went all stream of conscious there, it really isn't a blog about weight loss, but, it's what I felt like writing tonight. But, to make it a weight-loss blog, I did pretty well today. I even ate chinese food for dinner, but made sure I portion controlled it. I went over by 4 points today, but I am okay with that. Oh, when I plugged in my weight yesterday, guess what, I lost another daily point. So, now I am down to 34 a day. We'll see how I do with that.

Night all

New Motivation Paying Off

Wow, okay, the new motivation really seemed to work for me this week. I lost 4.8 pounds this week! There is no way I thought I would do that. I knew I had lost, but I hadn't realized how much. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sandy for agreeing to be my buddy!

Not only did the new motivation pay off in a loss this week, but it also helped me reach a mini-goal I had set for myself. I lost the same amount of weight that my son weighs. That's right......


I Lost 40 lbs!!!!!


I actually reached 40 pounds and got another 5 pound star. That makes 8 in total! I am only 3.5 pounds away from my half-way point.

That amount was TOTALLY unexpected, I didn't think that I could lose that much in a week. And, it's not like I had the GI flu or anything this week. I actually did eat and exercised a little bit. I mostly drank all my water. Maybe it was like re-starting again, I don't know. But, I'll take it.

I was starving after the meeting, so I went to Albertsons. I made a conscious effort to stay away from the sweets and breads, so I got some Terra Chips. They are 4 points a serving, but they were better than the alternative and I had the points to spare. So, I feel empowered that I made a better choice, I didn't opt for donuts or candy bars. Yay me!

So, am I still motivated?

YOU BETCHA!!!!!

Another Post

Well, here I am, blogging again. Just as I promised Sandy I would. How am I doing? Okay. I am tracking everything I am eating and really watching my points. I've been making a conscious decision on how to spend my points, and if I have a few left over, then I make choices how I can spend them without going over.

I wasn't the best eating all my fruits and veggies, dairy or drinking all my water. But, today, I am going to focus on eating better and drinking all my water. I still don't like eating cheese or drinking milk, because those are just so many points. I have been taking calcium supplements, but it would be healthier for me if I worked in a glass of milk or yogurt. I just miss the days when I could have a 1 point yogurt, now they are 3 points. Plus, I get really, really, tired of yogurt sometimes.  I like cold milk, but we only have 2% in the house. My kids need the 2% for their development, and I don't go through enough milk to justify buying skim, plus skim is like drinking white water. I've tried the Skim Delight where they thicken it with seaweed, but I still can taste the difference.

I want my dress back, I felt so pretty in it. I also want to lose weight and stop this stupid 2 step. Is this just another failed attempt at motivation, since it has only been 2 or 3 days? I don't know, but I think maybe I am back on track. Time will tell.

The next few days are going to be crazy. But, I pre-planned and have packed enough healthy food to snack on for 2 days. I even cut up a salad.

Until next time.

2 Weeks

Wow, has it really been 2 weeks since I last blogged. I guess it has. Sigh, that is not the way I wanted to do this blog.  I wanted to blog about the good times and the bad. And, I have no excuse for not blogging, other than I had no motivation. And, I haven't been as true to plan as I should be and I am yo-yoing with weight again. I have been fighting for every pound lost for almost 3 months now, and only have 6 pounds to show for it. It seems like I will lose 2 pounds, but then gain 1.9999 of it back.

I have tried having talks with myself, giving myself some outside motivation and it just didn't seem to work. I would do well for a few days, maybe a week, and then I would fall of track, again. I am so frustrated with myself. Don't get me wrong, I do love the fact that I have lost 36 pounds, but I am not even at my halfway point yet. And, it has been such a struggle to get here. And, I gained 1.2 pounds last week, probably had something to do with the fact that I ate an entire can of frosting in the space of 2-3 days. I didn't eat plain (well, some of it I did), I put it on WW Devil's Food Cookies. But a can of frosting is still a can of frosting.

I remembered I was doing better when I had a buddy to be accountable to. Since I haven't seen Bernie and Thalassa in a long time, I guess they are having problems and I completely understand. I can't tell you how many times I've started and stopped and started again.

I've been reading Sandy's Blog (www.asmidjinatatime.blogspot.com) and it sounded like she was going through the same ordeal that I was. So, yesterday, my husband came home from a double. I told him I needed a few hours of me time and I sent Sandy a text to meet for coffee.

We met for coffee and lamented over the new PointsPlus system. I don't know if it was coincidence of the new program, but that is when I stopped losing weight well. I liked the old system, I was losing weight on it. Yes, the old system didn't take into account carbs and fruit, etc. And the new system does force you to eat better and make healthier choices, but I am finding it difficult to stay within my points. This new system feels like I got a 5% raise but inflation went up 15%.

We chatted about motivation, cheating, tracking, exercising and motivation. We talked about different ideas to motivate ourselves. One thing we came up with was blogging. We agreed to blog at least 3 times a week so that we could track ourselves and use blogging to keep up motivation. We also agreed that we would have to comment on each other's posts so that we knew we were reading each others. (If you read this blog, please let me know by leaving a comment.)

Then we went dress shopping! I need a new dress for a wedding coming up in June. While shopping, we challenged each other to find dresses that we normally wouldn't wear, something outside our comfort zone. I found a couple that I thought, wow, I'd never wear that. (I did stay in age-appropriate attire, I am not trying to dress like I am a teenager). I found a dress that was slinky, sophisticated and a size 16! It fit great! I felt beautiful and sexy in it and it was elegant and could be dressed up or down. I loved it. Sandy found a cute dress that looked adorable on her too. We agreed to hold the dresses as hostage until we met our agreed upon loss. I need to lose 9 more pounds before I can get the dress out of hock. I need to have lost a total of 45 pounds.

I am hoping this double-pronged approach works. My mom said I needed to add an exercise component in. I agree with her, and I think that will be the next challenge, is to agree to exercise a certain amount of time per week. But, let's not overwhelm ourselves. Let's get back on track (and tracking) then add the other components.

It's really funny that I reached out to Sandy when this week's WW motivation is to find a WW buddy to stay motivated with.

So, here's to better tracking, better blogging and better weight loss.

Middle of the Week and Going Strong

So, a few days ago, I finally got upset with myself enough to have a sit down talk with myself. I told myself that I needed to "poop or get off the pot" when it came to taking WW seriously. For 2 months, I had danced around, fiddle-farted and 2 stepped my way through a measly 5 pounds. I was finally sick of it. So, as I was talking to myself and realizing I needed motivation to keep going. A motivation that wasn't something that I could reward myself with or deny myself if I didn't get. I am just not good at denying myself. Well, that much is obvious, that's how I got to be as big as I did.

What motivation, internal or external, could I come up with that would make me finally get my arse back on track. I thunk and I thunk and then I wavered and got off the topic. I was thinking about vacations and holidays and then, wham, it hit me! My sister is coming for a visit Easter weekend. She hasn't seen me since I started WW. She last saw me at pre-WW weight. Could I lose another 5 pounds (or even 10) before she got here? Was that a challenge I was up for? It was. Because, I actually feel motivated again. I am using my mantra "Do I want to eat that or do I want to be skinny?" and it is working!

I am 3 days into my week and I have only used 2 weekly uh-oh points. I have made a concerted effort to eat more fruit and veggies and cook healthy meals at home. And, it's working, despite being so dang crazy busy this week. I am making wise choices, again. I am packing my lunch and water, again.

Has it paid off. I don't know yet. Last weigh in somehow I managed to lose 1.6 pounds but that was only 2 days into the new motivation. I somehow managed to earn another 5 pound star, making my total loss 36 lbs. I am working on losing 4 more pounds before she gets here. If I succeed, then I am taking her and myself out for a pedicure.

How about them apples!